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Masquerade
Once in my life,
when maturity had yet to bloom,
I found myself searching
for the perfect identity
to wear.
I painted a colourful mask
to hide my flaws and lackings
but my heart knew no peace
for I knew I was lying.
My soul was trapped,
imprisoned by the shell of self.
I was surrounded by people
and yet I'd never been more lonely.
Unhappiness,
it was my constant shadow.
Slowly, despair showed its face
when others left me
once they'd seen through the mask.
Overcome by weariness,
I threw away the lies
and broke the mask into pieces,
only to discover the truth in life.
The perfection that I sought
is only a fool's dream
as no humans can be truly perfect.
The moment I embraced my true self,
the prison vanished and I am finally free.
Today,
in the absence of hypocrisy,
I am happy.
Comments
jane210660
Sun, 2017-04-16 05:58
Hi Alidzain
What a lovely journey from despair and unhappiness to the light and freedom.
When I remember that English is not your first language, I stand back in amazement, as your grasp of it is superb. Some might even say, more comprehensive than many whose mother tongue it is.
Beautifully written.
No crit - except for perhaps on first line had instead of has and then keep the tense in the past. 'Painted a colourful mask' and knew instead of knows etc.
Jx
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alidzain
Sun, 2017-04-16 16:26
Hi Jane
Glad you liked it.Thanks for pointing out the flaws. Still need to improve on my tenses.
Alid
alidzain
Sun, 2017-04-16 16:31
Hi Audri
That's it! I know there's a word to describe it, just not sure what it was until you suggested it. lol.
Thanks alot for the visit, the read and the suggestions!
Alid
Rula
Sun, 2017-04-16 09:47
I certainly agree with the ladies
I just thought you need to unite the tense all through in past simple. Still it's your choice bro.
Once in my life,
when maturity (had) yet to bloom,
I found myself searching
for the perfect identity
(to) wear.
I paint(ed) a colourful mask
to hide my flaws and lackings
but my heart (knew) no peace
for I (knew) I (was) lying.
My soul was trapped,
imprisoned by the shell of self.
I (was) surrounded by people
and yet (I'd) never been more lonely.
Unhappiness,
it was my constant shadow.
Slowly, despair showed its face
when others left me
once (they'd) seen though the mask.
Overcame by weariness,
I (casted) away the lies
and broke the mask into pieces,
only to discover the truth in life.
The perfection that I (sought)
is only a fool's dream
as no humans can be truly perfect.
The moment I (embraced) my true self,
the prison vanished and I am finally free.
Today,
in the absence of hypocrisy,
I am happy.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
alidzain
Sun, 2017-04-16 16:32
Salam, Rula
Thanks for the help. By the way are you still in Wesley's workshop?
Alid
Rula
Sun, 2017-04-16 16:40
Salam Khalid
I think I am. I am trying to edit my piece there, only if I get the time and some help.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
alidzain
Sun, 2017-04-16 18:02
Salam, Rula
I can't even remember what it is all about! lol.
Alid
Geezer
Sun, 2017-04-16 18:34
You missed two...
It's overcome not [overcame] and cast not [casted]. I like this one, it has a good rhythm to it. A great piece of introspection. Nice! ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
alidzain
Sun, 2017-04-16 22:59
Hi Gee
I thought the past tense for "overcome" is "overcame"? I was following their suggestion to stick to past tense.
Alid
Rula
Mon, 2017-04-17 05:00
I am sorry if I have misled
I am sorry if I have misled you with "cast". It's new for me and I had to check. Thank you Gee for bring it to my attention.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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alidzain
Mon, 2017-04-17 14:42
Salam, Rula
I've changed "cast" into "threw" instead.
Alid
jane210660
Mon, 2017-04-17 03:53
The problem with the English
The problem with the English language, is it breaks its own rules on a regular basis
Cast is the same present, past and future tense. I have cast my net, I cast my net, I will cast my net.
Overcome is another verb - over came, overcome, overcoming, so yes you are correct in overcame being the past tense.
However in your phrase 'overcame by weariness' the verb 'was' (past tense of to be) is missing. Written in full it would read I was overcome by weariness. In very basic terms 'was' is your past tense, so overcome is in present tense. Overcame becomes the past participle. It's all to do with conjugation of verbs - a fairly complex subject.
Of course this is made more complicated by the fact you don't actually have to write 'was' to put overcome into the correct form............
Suffice it to say, Gee is correct and it should be overcome.
English is not a straightforward language.
Exits stage left, worrying she has just confused you even more.
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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
alidzain
Mon, 2017-04-17 14:45
aaah, jane
not sure I understand the past participle part. lol. I'll look into it when I can.
Alid
alidzain
Tue, 2017-04-18 19:48
Hi Mark!
Glad you liked it. I did write in fantasy in some poems which includes a soliquay entitled "I Am The Batman".lol. Of late however, my writing tends to be more truth in reality while the fantasy stuff becomes a struggle. Well I do like a variety in my writing so let's see if I can fill them in the next time.
Alid
jane210660
Tue, 2017-04-18 00:56
Hi Alidzain
Do not give verb tense another thought. Your English is superb.
I was just trying to explain why it was like it is. Sometimes it's wise not to think about the mechanics of something and just do it.
It's a great poem. Jxx
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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
alidzain
Tue, 2017-04-18 19:49
jane
thanks for the advice.:D
Alid
alidzain
Tue, 2017-04-18 19:51
Agree with both of you
I don't really have a prob with finding the themes, but writing them out, well that's a different story.
Alid