Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
A Love (Sunku)
Hold me
I may fall
Could it be love?
Forget
Those that fail
Look in my eyes
Inside
I am whole
Please fly with me
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Love this form it keeps me busy!!
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
IRiz
Mon, 2018-02-19 14:34
Yet another gem!
Yet another gem!
I feel like a greedy collector,
I enjoy reading it.
Two things to consider, only if you would like to do so.
The first stanza is brilliant!
In the second stanza consider saying "look IN my eyes" as an invitation to fall there, what do you think?
To be consistent with logic consider replacing "let me fly" by "fly with me". What do you think?
hold me
I may fall
could it be love?
forget
those that fail
look in my eyes
inside
I am whole
please fly with me
IRiz
Sparrow
Mon, 2018-02-19 18:35
Irene
Thank you for you edits I have completed them as suggested, I even tried to compile this one to your three ways for each stanza,
Have a lovely evening,
Yours Ian.x
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti