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Sunku 2
The moon
Waxing, waning
In and out
Mood swing
With tide
High and low
Your feelings
Toward me
Fade in and out
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Sat, 2018-02-24 00:06
I have repeatedly heard...
that there are no real rules to this form. I enjoy the fluid lines here, no matter the order they are in. As a matter of fact, it seems more desirable to be able to interchange them when the need arises. I like it! ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sat, 2018-02-24 05:38
Thanks Gee
This has been fun. I think I may have found my form. :)
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
IRiz
Sat, 2018-02-24 23:56
I agree with you.
Thank you for commenting.
IRiz
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sun, 2018-02-25 07:01
Thank you
Only took ten years of being on the site to find a form I am good at.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
IRiz
Sun, 2018-02-25 09:47
Ha ha ha
Ha ha ha
IRiz
Barbara Writes
Sat, 2018-02-24 00:17
Nice
I like how how tied the waning of the moon phases with love. Love is unstable and not as beautiful as the waxing of the moon. Love the comparison
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sat, 2018-02-24 05:40
Thank you
The moon is one of the most beautiful bodies in our solar system. So much depends on its rise and fall. Thank you reading and connecting each verse.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
raj
Sat, 2018-02-24 04:23
I liked the way way you have
I liked the way way you have connected mood swings with waxing and waning of moon. In stanza #2 you have mentioned Up, down and high low which mean the same. I suggest you change either of them. Let me know what you think of an alternative below
Moods swing
with the tides
High and low
Keep posting more...
raj (sublime_ocean)
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sat, 2018-02-24 05:42
Hi Raj
Thank you. I made a small edit in the second stanza. Check it out and let me know what you think.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
raj
Sat, 2018-02-24 05:46
Hi Carrie,
Hi Carrie,
Not a big deal to make a suggestion to a friend. I noted the small change you have made which read better.
I feel "Mood Swing" is more appropriate because it goes back and forth like a swing of the pendulum, whereas shift is like the shift of the course of a river. Just my opinion
raj (sublime_ocean)
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sat, 2018-02-24 09:12
change made
I like how it sounds as well.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
IRiz
Sat, 2018-02-24 23:53
Your Sunku sounds like
Your Sunku sounds like change itself if it were to have sound,
it reminds me ocean waves.
Thank you for a great contribution to the workshop.
IRiz