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Sunku 4
Foggy night
Cold town
Broken car
Blonde hair
Blue eyes
Ruby lips
Pulls up
To assist
Unexpected
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Sat, 2018-02-24 14:56
Hi Carrrie
Good sequence of events creating images of the encounter. I could sense you feeling limitations of Sunku to complete the story in 3 stanzas. That's the real challenge. May for the same theme you could think out of box to fit it in 3 stanzas. I will revisit and see if it can be done.
raj (sublime_ocean)
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sat, 2018-02-24 15:03
change made
How do you like it
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
raj
Sat, 2018-02-24 15:23
Thumbs up for the effort,
Thumbs up for the effort, wasn't easy
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Sat, 2018-02-24 15:30
Usage of words in the first
Usage of words in the first stanza hold a lot of hidden meaning aptly describing the mood, whereas the second stanza expresses hope and the third about realism ...this is how I read your poem..
raj (sublime_ocean)
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sat, 2018-02-24 15:47
Yes
She pulls up to give him a ride, he is hopeful and relieved..doesn't realize it is his last ride.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
raj
Sat, 2018-02-24 16:01
Yep
that's the killer part of the poem i referred as realism [bitter sweet]
raj (sublime_ocean)
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sat, 2018-02-24 16:36
The dark muse
Has awakened
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
raj
Sat, 2018-02-24 16:42
Keep it alive Carrie
Keep it alive Carrie
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Sat, 2018-02-24 16:58
Carrie
Darkness
lends voice
to solitude
Guilt
redemption
vengence
Places
we can walk
in seclusion
-----------------------
raj (sublime_ocean)
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sat, 2018-02-24 17:09
Love this
Captures the darkness so well
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
raj
Sun, 2018-02-25 04:54
Thanks Carrie
Good to know you loved the Sunku inspired by exchange of comments on your Sunku
Looking forward to more posts from you ..
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Sat, 2018-02-24 23:37
I would end with one word
I would end with one word
unexpected
Let the reader imagine what happened.
IRiz
lonlyhrtsclub13
Sun, 2018-02-25 07:06
Iriz
Thank you. Change has been made and thank you for introducing this form to me. I am finding less is better and leaves room for the reader to draw their own conclusions. Thank you again.
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
IRiz
Sun, 2018-02-25 09:46
It is my honor.
It is my honor.
IRiz
weirdelf
Mon, 2018-02-26 23:11
I hope you are starting to see how the
2/3/4 syllable form works, this doesn't so much.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s1QYskWe4L1N
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry