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Sunku 9
Lonely
In a room
Even when not
Time
Moving slow
Empty walls
Drift apart
Daunted
Unknown
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
IRiz
Wed, 2018-02-28 00:43
Great poem!
Great poem!
I am thinking about the last stanza.
Haiku has often unexpected and surprising ending.
Maybe we should use this approach in Sunku as well.
IRiz
lonlyhrtsclub13
Wed, 2018-02-28 03:12
Maybe
I tried hard with this one to stay in form. How did I do?
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
IRiz
Wed, 2018-02-28 09:57
Lonely
Lonely
In a room
Even when not
This stanza is brilliant , love it
For the second one , try this maybe?
Time moves
slowly
Empty walls
We drift
apart and
still connected
OR
Time moves
slowly
we drift apart
It hurts
because we
are connected
Or for the third stanza
We are
on a bitter
side of love
For the name maybe I suggest
bitterness?
IRiz
Rula
Thu, 2018-03-01 10:17
Sunku or not
A little gem. I really enjoyed it.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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lonlyhrtsclub13
Thu, 2018-03-01 18:54
I am trying
To work on the form but glad the read was enjoyable
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
raj
Fri, 2018-03-02 04:00
Carrie
Well... from what i read ...one is allowed to compromise to an extent in the syllabi count. You have in fact not exceeded but shortened it...
.....
raj (sublime_ocean)
lonlyhrtsclub13
Fri, 2018-03-02 07:57
I wasn't sure
If we could mix syllables around. I thought it was very uniformed
Keep Writing,
Carrie
"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"
raj
Fri, 2018-03-02 13:02
Carrie
That's what I read somewhere...not sure....checkout with IRiz/Weirdelf
.....
raj (sublime_ocean)