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Night Fellows (Summer's Fun) (minute poem)
Laying onto cozy pillows,
(our night fellows),
they'll never fret
with nightmares' threat
or the weight of the heavy heads
when lay on beds
they'll never ache,
or shake or break.
They mum all the nights' secrecy
a policy
we should all learn
and fully earn.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments
raj
Wed, 2018-07-18 14:24
Rula
If the pillows read your poem they will dance with joy and say O My!
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raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Wed, 2018-07-18 14:39
Few suggestions
(our [fluffy] night fellows),
or the weight of the heavy heads [or weights of heavy heads]
when [they] lay on beds
They mum [keep] all the nights' secrecy
[that's a pillow] policy
we should all learn
and fully earn [for us to return]
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2018-07-18 14:59
Appreciate
the read and all the thoughts dear friend.
A minute poem should have 60 syllables Only
Don't know if it still reads eloquent as it is.
P.s mum the secret = keeps the secret
So what do you think?
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raj
Wed, 2018-07-18 15:09
Oh I didn't know this Tiny
Oh I didn't know this Tiny form of poetry and restriction of words. It is eloquent indeed as it is...excuse my ignorance
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2018-07-18 14:29
If you think so
dear Raj :)
Thank you for the quick response and lovely words.
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raj
Wed, 2018-07-18 14:40
yes I do :)
yes I do :)
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Wed, 2018-07-18 14:33
BTW
dear Raj this was inspired by your awesome pillow notes #1&2
though themes may differ.
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raj
Wed, 2018-07-18 14:43
yes different strokes about
yes different strokes about a pillow ...we spend almost 30 % of each day with and then tend to forget
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raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Wed, 2018-07-18 15:44
nagging you more Rula
nagging you more Rula
how about Night Buddies as a title?
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Fri, 2018-07-20 16:32
Dear Raj
Thank you for your thoughts. I might do the change if you convince me that "buddies" is more apposite than "fellow" :)
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raj
Fri, 2018-07-20 16:43
Rula
i made the suggestion because a fellow could be a one night stand whereas a buddy is someone who is more permanent and more trustworthy...perhaps you could also consider mates as an alternate
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Mikeozams
Wed, 2018-07-18 16:14
About pillows
Imagery and personification eulogizing pillows aptly expresses the poet's emotions. Keep it flowing.
Rula
Fri, 2018-07-20 16:35
Thank you Mike
for the visit. Highly appreciate it.
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scribbler
Thu, 2018-07-19 13:57
Why
am I now jealous of pillows? lol. I always admire people who can write short forms this well. My stuff just drones on and on and on and on and on.............stan
raj
Thu, 2018-07-19 14:05
Stan
when I read this comment from you in the subtext i read "I am gonna have a go at this"...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Fri, 2018-07-20 16:41
Thank you Stan
for the penegyric.
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raj
Fri, 2018-07-20 16:50
Rula would this qualify as a
Rula would this qualify as a tiny poem?
on her pillow lay a hair
wasn't hers
she's blond, not a brunette
she raised hell
almost stabbed hubby dead
who asked her
why are you wearing shades?
thought I would try one :)
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Fri, 2018-07-20 16:49
Hahaha
Crazy women!
This indeed "fit the bill"
Should the last line read
"Why you're wearing shades?"
Or
Why are you wearing shades?
Just asking
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raj
Fri, 2018-07-20 16:52
Thanks for the suggestion
Thanks for the suggestion Rula...already implemented...was good to hear your Hahaha does it not confirm women generally tend to be suspicious? ..lol..
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raj (sublime_ocean)