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Fabulous Freddy
Intrusive, invading, impulsive
Through my dreams he crept
Tainted, taunted, tortured
By the secrets that he kept
Ripping, raiding, ravaged
Subconscious fantasies played
Motionless, mimicking, mindless
Through his claws, the scars he laid
Blood lust, bedfellows, begone
His stench lingered on my breast
Perverse, primal, pathetic
A tortured soul not laid to rest
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2023-10-13 04:40
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Fabulous Freddy" demonstrates a strong command of alliteration, which adds a rhythmic quality to the piece. This technique is consistently applied in the first two lines of each stanza, creating a pattern that the reader can anticipate.
The poem also effectively uses vivid and emotive language to convey a sense of intrusion and torment. Words such as "ravaged", "scars", "claws", and "tortured" paint a clear picture of violence and distress.
However, the poem could benefit from more clarity in its narrative or theme. While the language is evocative, it's somewhat difficult to discern the exact situation or relationship being described. Is the poem about a nightmare, a toxic relationship, or something else entirely? Providing more context or specificity could help the reader connect more deeply with the poem's content.
Additionally, the poem's title, "Fabulous Freddy", seems somewhat at odds with the poem's dark and distressing content. If this contrast is intentional, it might be helpful to provide some indication of this within the poem itself to avoid potential confusion for the reader.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. Most lines are composed of three words, which can become monotonous. Experimenting with different line lengths and structures could add more dynamism to the poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
Fri, 2023-10-13 05:17
Fabulous poem. I love your
Fabulous poem. I love your alliteration. It reads like a dream/nightmare and your choice of word shows the perfection in your craft. Ruby :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
RoseBlack
Fri, 2023-10-13 08:34
Thank you Ruby!
I am not a Freddy fan but decided to give this challenge a try. It wound up being fun! Glad you enjoyed.
~RoseBlack~
Lavender
Fri, 2023-10-13 15:23
Fabulous Freddy
Hi, Carrie,
This has the eerie rhythm and flow much like an incantation. Very fitting for the subject matter!
L
RoseBlack
Fri, 2023-10-13 15:51
Thanks L
Fit the season and the theme!! Like I said I am not a big Freddy fan but this seemed to flow :) thank you for your comment and read as always.
~RoseBlack~
M4GG0TM3NT4L
Fri, 2023-10-13 19:54
Cool!!
very well worded, short but sweet! i really like this poem, perfect mix of spooky and fun!!
-m4gg0t was here
you could call me soph if you'd like.
The phantom of the opera is there. Inside my mind.
RoseBlack
Fri, 2023-10-13 22:44
Hello M4
Thank you for the read and comment...glad you enjoyed! Tis the season!
~RoseBlack~
Geezer
Sat, 2023-10-14 00:18
I love the tone...
of this one.
It sounds like something a baaaaddd girl would say.
How about using "Through his claws, the scars he laid."
and " a tortured soul not laid to rest."
Just suggestions, I think it just makes the idea a bit clearer. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Sat, 2023-10-14 06:20
Hi Gee
Glad you liked it! Changes made. I like the suggestions
~RoseBlack~