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EVENING At The LAKE
Come, lets sit here on the sand
of this impoundment's shore.
The gulls and geese can be our band,
who could ask for any more ?
We'll set our chairs on water's edge
and in cool water dip our feet,
watch boats troll for catfish past the ledge
in, this the last of summer's heat.
As we recline on eastern side
the evening air so slowly cools;
sun's reflection from the water, wide
covers surface with rhinestone jewels.
At last the sun hits distant trees,
water smooths like liquid mercury.
While a loon the evening time decries
I notice that you look toward me.
Yes I know it's time to go
to hearth and home we must repair.
Let's wait a moment even so
and these last few quiet moments share.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
A very minor edit of an old site write
Editing stage:
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Comments
loved
Thu, 2010-11-25 20:12
Simply
simply beautiful
no less no more
lets enjoy
the few last wiffs
for some time
just to be sure!
loved
scribbler
Fri, 2010-11-26 19:34
lake
just another one I dusted off. Thank you...................scribbler
Geezer
Thu, 2010-11-25 22:57
It almost ...
seemed as though I was watching a scene from On Golden Pond! We have a pond like that not too far away. Sometimes me and the wife go fishing, and it looks just as you describe. Very nice work, although I would try to use a different word than surface the second time around. [Maybe water?] Even so, it left an image in my mind, and I guess that is what we all try to do. Thanks for sharing that moment with us. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Fri, 2010-11-26 19:37
lake
thank you and thanks for catching the repetition of surface....................................stan
scribbler
Fri, 2010-11-26 19:39
lake
snow!!.....brrrrrrr. Thanks for the visit.........stan
Psyve
Fri, 2010-11-26 07:12
Scribbler
Gotta agree with Geezer : this reminded me too of "On Golden Pond". Beautifully descriptive.
Separately, I noticed and appreciated your use of a fairly classical rhyming scheme: ABAB.
Unusual for this site, in my limited experience...
Good work
Psyve
scribbler
Fri, 2010-11-26 19:41
lake
I gotta get around to seeing that move some day lol. I guess I use that rhyme scheme in about 25-30% of my stuff............scribbler
mand
Fri, 2010-11-26 09:49
Hey Stan
Another stunner!! Wish I had been there. One of those magical moments that you want to last forever!
Brilliant poem full of lovely imagery.
Love Mand xxxxxxx
scribbler
Fri, 2010-11-26 19:42
lake
I reckon I get it right every once in a while lol. Thanks for the visit and kind comment.............stan
scribbler
Tue, 2010-11-30 08:09
lake
I was surprised when I caught a catfish in salt water, there are apparently species that live in each. Think I'll delete 2nd comma. As to dredging I equated it with trolling to keep rhyme but welcome suggestions..........scribbler
scribbler
Thu, 2010-12-02 16:41
As and So
I kind of like as and so when used right. But I am taking your advice on second as and replacing it.............scribbler
scribbler
Tue, 2010-11-30 16:44
lake
This new site still has me a bit messed up. Especially with exclamation and question marks ( commas are just me doing a typo ) it seems they're too close to end of lines without a space. I know "to in " is not as correct as into but it seems to make poem flow a bit better to me. As always, good to hear from you and get those corrections................stan
magics02
Tue, 2010-11-30 17:44
Very nice
Stan I almost shed a tear here on this one you did. I found it to be most reflective in imagery and thought. Great job my friend.
Love Mona
xoxo
scribbler
Tue, 2010-11-30 19:16
lake
Not sure if driving you to tears is a good thing lol. Thanks for the visit and comment...........stan
hobo
Tue, 2010-11-30 17:47
just one more moment
if we can just hold on for one more moment. holding on to the dream as long as we can. nice write my friend :)
You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down
scribbler
Tue, 2010-11-30 19:17
lake
there are rare moments which we wish could just last longer. Thanks for your kind comment..............scribbler
loved
Thu, 2010-12-02 20:46
By the way
By the way
Which lake
I’m not quite sure
Do you live ashore?
Does your Lake Have?
A beach like ours
Do tell me once more
I’d like to meet
You across the lake
Only if you do
A pun at me
Once again
Retake/remake?
loved
scribbler
Thu, 2010-12-02 22:23
lake
I live on a small pond, but the lake I refer to here is nearby Hartwell lake. A 50,000 acre lake on the Savannah river between Georgia and South Carolina..............scribbler