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7 Days
Day 1
I vow at the beginning of each week
That I'm not going to let the world get to me,
I'm centred and free.
Day 2
I feel my blood begin to simmer.
My finger is on the trigger.
I just know someone will piss me off, soon.
Day 3
Calmness is my middle name,
but underneath the trigger is half cocked,
and my finger is getting itchy.
Day 4
My prediction becomes reality
the tossers of this world unite,
and make my blood boil.
I discharge an angry bullet
Day 5
There are idiots everywhere,
they are crawling out of the woodwork
just begging to be mowed down,
by a verbal assault,
Day 6 and 7
The big guns are out
There is open warfare,
A massacre in this town.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Psyve
Thu, 2010-12-16 04:26
Lou,
I enjoyed this read.
Liked the way you describe frustration simmering, boiling and exploding... all in the span of a typical week!
P.S.
Careful....I see the bulge in your cheek, where your tongue is resting....
( or is that just the pin of the grenade you just pulled with your teeth?)
Psyve
lou
Thu, 2010-12-16 04:44
Psyve
Hehe,
i'm pleased you understood my intention.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
mand
Thu, 2010-12-16 05:11
Ha ha
Excellent! I bet there will be alot of this over christmas. lol
Loved it to bits
Love Mand xxxxxxxxx
P.s remind me not to annoy you. Lol
Geezer
Thu, 2010-12-16 12:56
Not to...
piss you off, but in verse two, you leave the track and say [him] instead of me. I often feel like this, and now that I am trying to quit smoking, so that I can breathe, it's even worse! Being short of breath, on top of being short tempered, is no fun. Great work! ~ Gee xx
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lou
Thu, 2010-12-16 15:28
Gee
Thank you
Love Lou x
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Kailashana2
Thu, 2010-12-16 13:08
Hahahaha. I like your stuff,
Hahahaha. I like your stuff, kid.
I think I would like to read: 'this town is about to be massacred' (for the last line.)
Remind me to tiptoe through your word mines except on Mondays.
Smile.
~A
Hooded Stranger
Thu, 2010-12-16 13:55
Lou
Lou,
knowing the week you've had already I can understand where this great piece came from.
From an OCD point of view you need to put a line between Day 1 and the verse, like all the others. My OCD is twitching and I won't sleep until you've done it!!...otherwise my week will end like yours began!! Lol.
I liked the way day six rolled into day 7...I often find my days running into each other.
I really enjoyed this one.
You did throw me with this line:
"I just know someone will piss him off, soon" - who is the 'Him' in this piece?
regards,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Thu, 2010-12-16 16:34
Hs
I'm happy that you enjoyed it, the him in this piece is yet another typo lol
Yes iv'e had a bit of week
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Hooded Stranger
Thu, 2010-12-16 15:55
Lou
Lou,
it looks great now, I will be able to sleep better knowing there is a gap between Day 1 and the verse!!
Lol!
Hope you have a better week next week...although we are due lots of snow, so it probably will be a cold and bleak one!
regards,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Thu, 2010-12-16 21:55
HS
HS,
the snow will keep me at my desk, so i hope to write more.
hope your week goes well to.
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
lou
Thu, 2010-12-16 21:12
Yeah
Watch out don't piss me off lol
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
scribbler
Thu, 2010-12-16 17:29
7 days
It takes you an entire week ti grow tired of idiots? As you get older, you'll find that this time will shorten lol.............stan
lou
Fri, 2010-12-17 01:09
Stan
Stan I can get annoyed with people much. More quickly than 7 days
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Eduardo Cruz
Thu, 2010-12-16 18:04
Lou,
I love this one, I wrote something like this about a year and a half back, I think it's in limbo in the old site, maybe it will be resurrected. just waiting on the Gods of tech. I love to see that it is hard to control anger when everyone keeps pushing, so we're all in the same boat armed to the teeth. Hahaha!
great write Bud
Always Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
lou
Thu, 2010-12-16 21:09
Eddie
I'm not a violent girl but, sometimes I'd like to bust a cap in someone's ass lol
Louise
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
ziggy
Sun, 2010-12-19 16:03
hi there
well hello there I'm well over due a read from you
I never thought of writing a poem about a week,day
by day, sounds like one not to remember ,
I like the ending ,,,,zigs x
I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.
lou
Thu, 2011-01-06 05:03
Ziggy
your a good friend
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!