Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Goodbye 2012
GOODBYE 2012 (31/12/12 @15.00)
This interminable, lousy, day is sucking its last breath
When it finally strikes twelve, my clock is done.
Another year, Dear God, another; filled with storms and death.
"TICK_TOCK,"; yet one more mother lost a son.
I tightly shut my eyes and squeeze my hands on ears and mouth
But any way to save some, I don't know
The Northern gales, fringed with my tears, are tearing at my house.
I find exhausted Goldfinch in the snow .
And in Kabul the Landrover has skidded to a halt......
The sergeant, a keen birdwatcher, leans through.
He picks up the Goldfinch carefully, a wonderful result!
For the IED explodes where they were due!
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2012-12-31 20:42
I can see...
the relationship between the two scenes is the Goldfinches, but I would exchange these lines like so,
The Northern gales, fringed with my tears, are tearing at my house
I find exhausted Goldfinch in the snow
I tightly close my eyes, and squeeze my hands on ears and mouth
But any way to save them, I don't know
It seems to me, that it makes the story just a little bit smoother. Good work other than that. ~ Geezer
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Tam the Chanter
Wed, 2013-01-09 10:55
input
Your input is valued and appreciated, Geezer, but in this case I wanted to have a series of seemingly unconnected events drawn together by the Goldfinch. I realise it makes for a rather rough narrative but I think it works (almost). Thanks for taking the time to crit the piece.
Ian
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
Frenchf
Mon, 2012-12-31 22:02
Sucking its last breath
Beautiful description of that last moment before 00.00 of 01.01.2013
Tam the Chanter
Wed, 2013-01-09 10:46
time
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this - I really appreciate the encouragement. 2012 was a really bad year for Western democracy and this one doesn't look any better.
Ian
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
weirdelf
Tue, 2013-01-01 06:01
Crickey, when you get serious you get serious
Way the best NYE poem I've read.
I'd like to see more of your dark side.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Tam the Chanter
Thu, 2013-02-28 03:23
Happy Happy
Thanks, Jess. Must try and lighten up !
Ian
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA