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Bacterial haiku
Was my sore throat you?
head to toe ? Or gym bacteria
Either way twas worth it
Last few words:
Experimenting with haiku. Did I get it right?
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2013-01-04 08:45
Not the right syllable count
traditional haiku is 5-7-5
this is
9-7-7
But I don't pay much attention to the traditional count, which doesn't translate exactly from the way Japanese is spoken anyway. Still, the point is to say as much as possible in as few words as possible, so this could use some editing.
Traditional haiku makes a philosophical point generally using one of the seasons of the year. When it is about human quirkyness it is called Senryu
Again, though, I love your style.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Frenchf
Fri, 2013-01-04 09:14
Adapted as recommended by Jess
Altered and thanks
Frenchf
Fri, 2013-01-04 09:08
Thank you Jess
I'll work on it xxx
weirdelf
Fri, 2013-01-04 09:58
there is a unique pleasure
in these very concise forms, isn't there?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry