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Twisted senses
Her voice was a honeysuckle wind.
I remember the immediate addiction,
knowing how short our time might be,
but when we woke, we were old,
she said "Good morning"
and I felt the fresh smell of spring.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rula
Thu, 2013-12-26 03:43
Hello Richard
Hello Richard
I thought this really tender and the lady meant will surly like it.
Tiny suggestions:
I think you need a comma before but in line 2 and I thought "breeze" is more tender than "wind"
but you know better. It's your little gem.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
themoonman
Sun, 2013-12-29 19:51
Hi Rula,
Glad you dropped in and thank you for your
suggestions, they will certainly be considered
at edit time.
You were right, she did like it.
thanks,
Richard
weirdelf
Tue, 2016-11-22 05:46
wind
is more passionate.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Thu, 2016-11-24 21:49
yes,
besides, it sounds better
Ian.T
Thu, 2013-12-26 04:30
Richard
I hope that for you there will be many more awakenings.
Well written and contains a great tribute to someone special,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
themoonman
Sun, 2013-12-29 19:54
Hi Ian,
Thank you for your comment, it is much
appreciated. Hoping many more mornings
for us all my friend,
thanks again,
Richard
weirdelf
Fri, 2013-12-27 01:59
You really touched this hard old bugger.
In all his twisted senses.
That's what really struck me, the title.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Sun, 2013-12-29 19:58
Jess,
Everyone knows you're soft-hearted, and
we've most of us had our senses twisted a
time or two.
weirdelf
Tue, 2016-11-22 05:47
Seriously man,
this is a little piece of poetic perfection.
Strain as I might I can't think of any way to improve it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Thu, 2016-11-24 21:52
Hey,
You did see I edited recently,
took some of Pringle's suggestions,
thought it did improve it but only
readers can witness to that.
Seren
Fri, 2013-12-27 10:26
Richard
This is a wonderful poem, I love it as is I wouldn't change a thing
touching and tender beautifully written a pleasure to read
hope you and yours had a lovely Christmas
love JC x
p.s one thing ? I wanted more but that's just me being greedy
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
themoonman
Sun, 2013-12-29 20:05
Hello Jayne,
We had a good Christmas, and you?
A poem can always be changed, for the
better or worse, this one is still on the work
table.
thanks,
Richard
Kailashana2
Fri, 2013-12-27 10:51
Outstanding poem, my friend.
Outstanding poem, my friend.
Kailashana2
Fri, 2013-12-27 10:52
I read Barry this poem. He
I read Barry this poem. He said *nice*...
Nice.
themoonman
Sun, 2013-12-29 20:10
Hi Anna,
Hoping you and Barry are both doing well,
it has been a while, so good to hear from the
two of you.
swamp-witch
Sat, 2013-12-28 22:08
Hello Richard,
I also think this poem is astounding. It's short and sweet yet full of potent images and literary devices. I agree with Rula's suggestion about "wind" being a tad too harsh and that's literally the only thing I could come up with for a suggestion. The title drew me in and the way you connected it to the poem with the last line really resonates with me. It reminds me of synesthesia, but the poem is definitely talking about something much more than a condition of the brain intertwining the senses. Very cool, excellent write!
Critique, don't comment.
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themoonman
Sun, 2013-12-29 20:13
Hi swamp,
Thanks for the great review and welcome to the site,
I may just use Rula's word, haven't decided yet.
thanks again,
Richard
scribbler
Sat, 2013-12-28 22:40
Hi Richard
I think this might well be the best of your poems which I've read. Although it's very brief it leaves no ambiguity as to what you want to convey. But to keep you from having to buy new hats from swollen head lol, I'll see if I can suggest Something hmmmm.........hmmmm....... Got something but it's pretty lame : try putting a line space between lines 3 and 4. Told ya it was lame lol. Excellent poem...............stan
themoonman
Sun, 2013-12-29 20:21
Lol,
Not to worry, the dog ate my ego some years back,
left me with this humble pen that only writes when it
wants to ...
not such a lame suggestion, reads smoother out loud
that way.
billypringle
Sun, 2013-12-29 13:55
Just a little edit to improve immensely...
Her voice was a honeysuckle wind.
I remember (blushing from ) the immediate addiction, ( can one blush froman addiction that is immediate)
knowing how short our time might be
but we woke up (today) (and we were) old. ( when else do you physically wake up ? yesterday ?) two and's etc
she said "Good morning"
and I (heard) the fresh smell of spring. ( this doesn't work at all , it's sensual contradiction is hammy.
Try something else other than heard. Why not stick to the expected?
Jimm
themoonman
Sun, 2013-12-29 20:48
Hi Jimm,
Your critique is more than appreciated.
"can one blush from an addiction that is
immediate" ... Yes. I could have elected to
spell it all out for the reader, say how embarrassed
I was for showing how much I wanted or needed the
sense twisting attention from a woman I considered
to be way out of my league, but I chose to shorten it
up a bit. I thought it pretty much covered it, you didn't?
Absolutely agree with some changes needed, the
"today" is unneeded and at least one "and" could be
eliminated, what is the etc?
The last line was abstract, meant to enhance the
meaning of the title and show or attempt to show
how the "twisted senses" are still going on. Not sure
what you mean by "hammy", could you elaborate?
and what would the "expected" be?
Thank you again, I believe we should have a reason
for each and every word.
Richard
Kailashana2
Wed, 2014-01-15 12:41
My take:
My take:
Her voice was honeysuckle wind.
I remember blushing its immediate addiction,
knowing how short our time might be;
when we woke up old,
she said "Good morning"
and I heard the fresh smell of Spring.
.
Love ya.
Seeker
Wed, 2014-04-09 11:23
Hello ,Richard
Enjoyed your poem it nice to remember or feel of the love one ,i don't really have experience to critic of the poem but like the whole poem.
My best regards
themoonman
Thu, 2016-11-24 21:54
Hi,
Well thank you for the visit and
the comment ... it is much appreciated.
raj
Wed, 2014-04-09 15:36
Hi Richard
It is my good luck that this poem came back into stream, which I had missed out. In such a short verse you have provided a refreshing experience about the essence of love...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
themoonman
Thu, 2016-11-24 21:55
Hi raj
Thank you for reading and leaving
your encouraging words.
alidzain
Fri, 2016-11-18 15:40
Richard
Short, sweet and yet a wonderful tribute. Love it.
Alid
themoonman
Sat, 2016-11-19 11:23
Hiya Alid,
So much appreciate the visit and
the comment ... one I'd forgotten
about, thanks bunches !!!
weirdelf
Thu, 2016-11-24 22:10
Yep, good revisions
This is what Neopoet is about.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
themoonman
Sun, 2017-02-19 06:43
Hey,
I took some of Pringle's advise,
I think it definitely improved the
flow.
Esker
Fri, 2016-11-25 04:02
wind
it is most fitting
its atmosphere to the
poem and it Is the atmosphere
movement..alive!
refreshing!
excellent poem
Like the whole
Rip Van Winkle approach
thank U!
Mr Wolf!
themoonman
Sun, 2017-02-19 06:44
Mr Wolf,
You are a treasure!!!
Tater Tot
Sat, 2017-02-18 15:06
Twisted Senses
very good
themoonman
Sun, 2017-02-19 06:45
Hello ...
Thank you for reading and commenting,
it is truly appreciated.
sewie smalls
Sat, 2017-07-15 18:14
Ahwn
Just how I like it...sweet and succinct