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Happiness
Happiness
Lays comatose
As she waits
To be saved
Bottle numbs the pain
For a couple
hours
mirror shows
reflections
Of a sad face
Words travel
a mind’s
Freeway
anguish seems
festive
Silence and doubt
Play card games
On the porch
Don’t look away
This torn man
Gave his all
To be
The crumpled page
In your journal
Editing stage:
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![Apostolos "Paul" Anagnostopoulos's picture](/sites/default/files/styles/thumbnail/public/pictures/picture-14-1613718357.jpg?itok=CJ7ubwI2 "Apostolos "Paul" Anagnostopoulos's picture")
Region & Country
New York
Favorite Poets
Cavafi, Sylvia Plath and Neopoet as a whole.
Comments
Esker
Fri, 2011-07-01 20:53
Happiness is
a great poem!
Love these works Paul
musing and pondering
Yes to be a page in a journal
even
and Happiness's Survival
all the hearts ringing in the
wind on sleeves on outstretched
arms reaching for understanding
purpose and maybe Love
I fade in and out myself on this matter
but I feircely believe in remaining true
to my ideals about writing the way I do
and my odd self Gotta be someone
out there yet There is nothing like
the purpose of belief!!
Apostolos "Paul...
Sat, 2011-07-02 14:32
thx
for your comment
author commentApostolos "Paul...
Sat, 2011-07-02 14:33
my favorite stanza also
thx for stopping by
author commentHooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-07-02 12:44
Paul
Paul,
I am a fan of short lines, and this hits the mark for me.
It is tough to cover a theme when limited to such short lines.
This was just right...I got it, could see it and feel it.
Really liked the image of being just a crumpled page in the journal...nice!
Good job,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
Apostolos "Paul...
Sat, 2011-07-02 14:33
thx
for stoppng by
author commentApostolos "Paul...
Sat, 2011-07-02 14:35
hahah
nope this is good
author commentApostolos "Paul...
Sat, 2011-07-02 15:21
thx Sir
it means alot
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2011-07-02 16:25
hello
I've read this 4 times trying to find a favorite part but couldn't as each line was obviously the result of a lot of thought................stan
Apostolos "Paul...
Sat, 2011-07-02 16:46
thx you
foecommenting
author commentCCfire
Sat, 2011-07-02 23:52
I think the beginning should
I think the beginning should read 'happiness lay comatose' I'd remove the plural from 'lays' there followed by a slight change in that end of the stanza
happiness lay
comatose
she waits
to be saved
bottle numbs pain
for a couple of hours
mirror reflects
sad face (I think this is way too cliched to leave in but it's up to you)
words travel
mind's freeway
anguish seems
festive (not sure that works either..why does it seem happy? it needs some tying in there)
The last part I quite like as it is :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
lou
Sun, 2011-07-03 23:19
Paul
You managed to pack a lot of meaning into very short lines, I think that it is very effective. The only thing I would say is in Stanza 6 do you think it might be better to say 'crumpled,' rather than 'crumbled' ? As it seems more appropriate for a piece of paper.
Goog job.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-07-04 06:44
Good edit.
This has the quiet presence of grace.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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Geezer
Mon, 2011-07-04 07:13
I have always...
been a fan of your work. I see the struggle to be something to someone, even a crumpled page in a journal. Keep writing, you are getting better all the time. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Kailashana2
Mon, 2011-07-04 07:23
Again, the word is *lies*.
Again, the word is *lies*..humans lie an lie down, and humans .lay something down..
Happiness
Lays comatose
[lies] (you have personified happiness)
As she waits
To be saved
Bottle numbs the pain
For a couple
hours
mirror shows
reflections
Of a sad face
[mirrors
sad reflection] (we want poetic turnings, non?)
Words travel
a mind’s
Freeway
anguish seems
festive
Silence and doubt
Play card games
On the porch
Don’t look away
This torn man
Gave his all
To be
The crumpled page
In your journal
Love the last stanza, indeed impressive poem, Paul.
~A
(why are some lines caps and others not?)