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Sunset
Eight-thirty pm,
the whole sky to himself,
a bird flies home.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
brittle light
Sat, 2011-08-27 02:04
this works so well, so
this works so well, so definitive....so concise, an immediate and wonderful visual stimulation
Al
faerybeki
Sat, 2011-08-27 17:37
Thank you guys :)) was
Thank you guys :)) was considering swapping the title and the first line around? would love to hear your thoughts... might just do it... can always swap them back :) love to you both xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-08-27 19:13
I love,
I love the idea of swapping the title and first line, but either way it's perfect. Love Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
faerybeki
Sun, 2011-09-04 05:41
Thanks Roscoe :) going to
Thanks Roscoe :) going to leave the swap in place, feel Sunset is the better title, love to you xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
weirdelf
Sat, 2011-08-27 21:30
ooo, I so love haikus
and this one works a several levels, the literal and the metaphoric. I could wite an essay about it but I'm too lazy [grins]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-09-04 20:12
Spell "eight thirty Pm
numbers in poetry are anathema.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
faerybeki
Sun, 2011-09-04 05:44
Jess, thanks for the new word
Jess, thanks for the new word, 'anathema' had to go and look it up :) and I quite like doing that. Glad you liked the haiku, it's a form I really love, did wonder about writing the full number, maybe it's me who is lazy lol, will edit now :) thanks again, much love xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
raj
Sun, 2011-08-28 15:54
both homecoming and evening
both homecoming and evening captured so intrinsically well in this haiku with lovely strokes of your poetic pen..
raj (sublime_ocean)
faerybeki
Sun, 2011-09-04 05:44
Thank you raj :) glad you
Thank you raj :) glad you enjoyed it, much love xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
faerybeki
Sun, 2011-09-04 17:38
Eph, thanks for commenting,
Eph, thanks for commenting, happy to know you enjoyed another of my little poems :) lucky me to have witnessed this bird and been right with him, if only for a moment, much love Beki xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
Geezer
Sun, 2011-09-04 16:39
Another...
well done! I get the image of a lone crow, ousted by his mob, or maybe an eagle after a long day of fishing. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
faerybeki
Sun, 2011-09-04 17:41
Thank you Gee :) that's why I
Thank you Gee :) that's why I like haiku, it is possible to hint at many stories with just a few words, happy this one was successful, much love Beki xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-09-05 06:28
Re-reading this
I find the time numbers incompatible with a birds flight,
perhaps
"at sunset"?
No. I'm wrong. You have successfully combined nature and human time. Quite an accomplishment.
Again I say, I love much said in few words, to me that is what poetry can be at its best.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
faerybeki
Tue, 2011-09-27 18:59
Thank you Jess, I really
Thank you Jess, I really appreciate your comment, I'm happy this little haiku, this moment in my day was recieved so well, much love xxx
'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)
Ladderwords
Tue, 2011-09-27 20:01
A visual cookie to whet the
A visual cookie to whet the palette. I'll have to stay my hand before reaching into your bag of goodies again. Thanks for the treat!
.
J.A. Fisher