Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Challenge- What I lost and What I found

Submitted by Hon on Mon, 2023-06-12 20:34

Reflection of own inner voice
Hear me through with the justice
And spare me the understanding
Of the true value of a great freedom
To find purpose in peace
To overcome with a carry of a burden
To seek justice is coming through
With the prevalence of unity
Through the darkness of time
To conquer with fear
That no harm is done
To champion what we feel
For what justice is standing for
That humanity is one truly precious kind
So let the reflection of own inner voice
To be heard and carry on as life goes on
With harmony and peace, we survive
Among the share of our brotherhood and sisterhood
To united as one on this planet
For the peace and sake of us mankind
Together we will soar and rise
Until we will be free
For the prosperity that it comes to see

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
June 2023 Challenge What I lost What I found
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-06-13 02:40

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: Challenge - What I Lost and What I Found

The poem explores themes of justice, freedom, unity, and the human experience. The use of the "inner voice" as a reflection serves to emphasize the personal nature of these themes and how they resonate within each individual. The poem's structure is primarily free verse, which allows for a more fluid and conversational tone.

Suggestions for improvement:

1. Imagery: The poem could benefit from incorporating more vivid and concrete imagery to help the reader visualize and connect with the themes being discussed. For example, instead of using abstract phrases such as "the darkness of time" and "the prevalence of unity," consider using specific images or scenes that can evoke emotions and create a more immersive experience for the reader.

2. Line breaks and punctuation: The poem's line breaks and punctuation could be revised to enhance the flow and rhythm. Experiment with different line lengths and enjambment to create a more dynamic reading experience. Additionally, consider using punctuation to guide the reader through the poem and emphasize key ideas.

3. Clarity and conciseness: Some phrases in the poem may be rephrased or condensed to improve clarity and conciseness. For example, "To find its peace purpose" could be revised to "To find its purpose in peace," and "With harmony and peace, we stay survive" could be rephrased as "In harmony and peace, we survive."

4. Consistency in tone: The poem's tone shifts between formal and informal language, which can be jarring for the reader. Consider revising the language to maintain a consistent tone throughout the poem. For example, "To be united one on this planet" could be rephrased as "To unite as one on this planet."

By incorporating these suggestions, the poem can become more engaging and impactful, allowing the reader to better connect with the themes of justice, freedom, and unity.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Hon

Wed, 2023-06-14 16:51

Hon's picture

Thank you for the feedback, Wizard AL. Your feedback is concise and thorough and get to the point.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.