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An Empty Glass
silence weaves its blanket 'round me
unlike the tapestry that dreams paint
where hope brings sun rising brightly
but reality is my twilight growing faint
water is leaking through a metal roof
onto the floor where memories sleep
transfixed I watch time washed away
counting vanished scenes like sheep
you still laugh from my phone screen
your ghost pirouettes in a mirror land
flashing lights...like disowned fireflies
the screen blurs..into hourglass sand
midnight's arrival...heralded 12 times
each ding..a death knell of days past
black mist...clouding up sorrow's eye
while I peer...through an empty glass
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
My favorite type of poem to write is sad, dark and with a mystical touch to it. This poem is about dreams/daydreams that take you to dark, sad places.
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Rula
Sun, 2022-12-11 13:39
Oh my
this is so touching though sadly overwhelming.
I like the richness of visuals there and the language use.
I see you're a new member here, so I wish you a happy and fruitful stay here amongest all the poetry masters.
Wish you the best in the contest.
Thank you for sharing!
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
JEG325
Sun, 2022-12-11 16:25
An Empty Glass
Thank you so very much for your kind words. I'm super pleased that you liked it!
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Sun, 2022-12-11 16:10
An absolutely
Astounding piece of writing. Almost psychedelic in nature. That second stanza set the hooks and I was just swiftly reeled in.
Tim
JEG325
Sun, 2022-12-11 16:27
An Empty Glass
Thank you so much for your wonderful reply. I'm very, very pleased that you liked it!
author commentLavender
Sun, 2022-12-11 20:20
An Empty Glass
Hello!
Feels very much like a dream, or daydream. I agree, the second stanza is remarkable visually and in its language - "...counting vanished scenes like sheep." Mysterious and dark.
Thank you,
Lavender
JEG325
Sun, 2022-12-11 22:30
An Empty Glass
Thank you so very much, L! I do like adding a touch of mystery and mystique to my poetry. I'm very, very pleased that you liked it, and I greatly appreciate your kind words!
author commentLavender
Mon, 2023-01-02 09:41
Congratulations!
A remarkable poem~
L