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I have better taste than god

Submitted by brittle light on Thu, 2016-10-06 15:59

impious shrimp
and lobster clans
parade through clouds
of salted sand
impervious to
a shirking god
they go forth
happy as clams

and multiply

oh! this foolish, tasteless god;
wasting bacon, and
forsaking arthropods for
milk and honey

REALLY?!

this mythical business
(and its proscriptive foods)
will never affect the way I dine
I'll write my own menu...thank you!
(sans phony-bologna
and watered wine)

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Thu, 2016-10-06 22:40

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For some reason it puts me in mind of the James Bond saying "Life is too short to spend time prolonging it."
I'm rather reluctant to read too deeply into it.
There seem to be some scansion problems, hard to pin down so I'll give it a reading to see if we can work it out.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/audio-recording-on-friday

Yep, there it is.
oh! this foolish god of no taste
Might perhaps scan a little more friendly as
oh! this foolish, tasteless god

The act of wasting bacon may well deserve three exclamation though the effect tends towards the psychotic.

Finally the lines-
as he-man mess
(apparently, he ain't never heard of Texas)
don't quite feel right and I'm not sure I get the.

Overall a fine, enjoyable write, Al, ta.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

brittle light

Fri, 2016-10-07 14:57

brittle light's picture

thanks Jess
I was thrilled at hearing this read...cool

did some edits. Removing the "!!!" cured my psychosis!!!

nothing too deep here. Just a comment on the dietary laws from the old testatment. I bet Jesus kept kosher...how did christians get a pass?

one other thing to mention...the preferred pronunciation of impious is counter-intuitive...IMP'-ee-uhs

I very much appreciate your input

Al

author comment

jane210660

Sun, 2016-10-09 08:13

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Enjoyed this Al - no crit to offer. Took it a bit tongue in cheek, hope you don't mind. Jx

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brittle light

Thu, 2016-10-13 00:03

brittle light's picture

You bit your tongue?!...oh!, I get it..(I'm just being a bit cheeky...)
No, I don't mind at all...but even a tongue in cheek piece can have some real observations within.

I am, if anything, a skeptic, and quite cynical about any, and all, religion and religious thought.

This piece was meant to be as humorous as I could be at the moment.
Mockery has its place...everyplace, nothing being sacred!

Al

author comment

jane210660

Sat, 2016-10-15 06:08

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A 'like' button would sometimes be useful to acknowledge a response, but does somewhat go against the grain for us wordsmiths. Jx

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weirdelf

Sat, 2016-10-15 07:39

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yet it is against the grain for wordsmiths, poets and Neopoet.
Even a 'view' counter is against what we are about.
Excuse my language but fuck the attention seekers.
We are about helping each other improve, not mutual masturbation.
That is what keeps Neopoet utterly unique and important.
There is nothing even remotely like us anywhere on the web.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

jane210660

Sat, 2016-10-15 08:16

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I was wondering how long it would take you to pick up on that Jess.
By 'eck lad, tha's quick.
However, I concur.
Jx

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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

weirdelf

Sat, 2016-10-15 09:12

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https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/how-help-critique
thanks for the inspiration, Jane.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Candlewitch

Sat, 2016-10-15 11:51

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you are truly your own man following your own rules and beliefs. and it even shows in this humorous poem. I liked it very much! I laughed myself silly! thank you for that!!!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

brittle light

Sat, 2016-12-31 06:09

brittle light's picture

thanks Cat

was gone for awhile, back now for awhile
my muse is a sprinter it seems...can't handle the long stretches

sobeit

later,

Al

author comment

Esker

Sat, 2016-10-15 14:05

Esker's picture

I remember the literal feasts
and survival scramble scrounge
Scott Mission meals
but your talking of the plate
of the offering
the milk and almonds

Religion is all but God
Man is crackers and Cheese

always a salted bite in your
honest works
But you man
Can write

Thank U

Mr Wolf!

brittle light

Sat, 2016-12-31 06:24

brittle light's picture

salty yes, but not bitter...I hope that is the way my stuff comes across.

I write
I get lucky sometimes
usually just one or two stanzas before the "poetry" of it starts to fall apart
I should stick to very short pieces.

thanks for the IMMENSE compliment

later,

Al

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weirdelf

Sat, 2016-12-31 07:41

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Love "I write
I get lucky sometimes"
Exactly how I feel.
Also love the phrase "full of piss and vinegar".
Yep, salty, sharp, but not bitter.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Esker

Sat, 2016-12-31 16:21

Esker's picture

No ur not bitter...and Elf...the little works that are easy to read...approachable
bursts like radio letter stations of the mind!..excellent work both!

Thank U! Both!

Mr Wolf!

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