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KRISTiLYNNE

Submitted by Esker on Tue, 2012-05-22 00:36

she puts the pockets of herself
into the hate of worthless weight
onto her arms sun worth and warm
away from torn rooms the storms
the pain the stains of childhood shame
all winters ache black broken flame
drowned in the dream winds of
the blame

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-05-22 10:54

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you are using rhyme, internal rhyme, assonance.

and still feels like natural flow with meaning.
although maybe a tad overdone
You know you make me very jealous.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Tue, 2012-05-22 15:29

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i especially love the lines
'she puts the pockets of herself
into the hate of worthless weight'
- they conjure up amazing images ...
and have great internal rhyme along with
'the pain the stains of childhood shame'

- - throughout, but in those lines especially
a very strong write esker... wonderful rhythm

but i expect no less from you :)
it is always a pleasure to read you

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Esker

Tue, 2012-05-22 21:40

Esker's picture

Ive known a few survivors along the way
Happy sunshine in the grey of it
hung out with them
chummed with them
Happiness is personal to all

I just tried the rhyme again
and am glad its easy to understand

I really push words here
and twist meaning
but the over all understanding
is more universally taken to heart
with the rhyme schemes
and I havent forgotten this
I try to come back to this format

Thank You for the comments on this
..

Pockets of self HOw many lived out
of their pockets phone numbers for
contacts shelters places to stay
scraps of poems sometimes
small talismans and wandering
pockets are where you put your hands
when cold when your arms are tired
from standing about your pipe your
bottle your cell phone

put that away Put away your individuality
and take on the family ecspectation etc
all too high to attain so failure is the anchor
the shame the whipping person

put that in your pocket
whats in you pocket etc
happy things go in pockets to
photos snacks sandwichs shoplifted things
etc

hate of worthless weight
I groaned under shame
emotional torment for years
"I love you but You were the worst
kid growing up..I love you but w hy
did you do all those horrible things"

people rode hard and driven out into
the night into the arms of those needing
them to ride more worthless atmospheres

in the end y our own arms learn to comfort
to ask for comfort to find it in addictions etc
but the sun warms y ou while waiting
the suns shines sometimes
warmth light peace sleep a lot of the times
no rain falling on your head
people too at ease to bother you crashed out
in the park or cemetary catching some rays

torn rooms IM tearing outta here
rip myself away from this place
mom I gotta go
dad your on your own

storms the sun shines and then
the hurricanes the dead time
waiting for the necst

no shelter in the shelter
the rain falls on your memories
and ruins them the snow feeses
the life from things

all winters ache
too cold to fight
passed out or indifferent
early nights
no arms to give love
or do but too little

dream winds of blame
how many feel that draft
on them even when they
accomplish much
the shiver of ever being
good enough

husbands sons wives
sisters lovers child

hard to write these ones
but worth the effort

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