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LEAF ENVY
Leaves play tag as they descend
toward the waiting autumn ground
where they're chased by a brisk wind
with a desiccated rustling sound.
They'll soon settle in their final home;
the rain and snow will bind them there
where they'll join with their kindred loam
leaving the trees cold and bare.
I watch this on a fresh fall day
and think of my once running too.
Was I running toward or away?
Way back then I never knew.
But now my chasing days are done.
Run you leaves while you still can!
While I limp on toward my setting sun
as befits a lame old man.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2015-10-26 20:17
I like the title...
The story is just as good as any you have ever written, but the rhythm is broken in a couple of places. Some of the lines are really great [ Leaves play tag as they descend]
[ toward the waiting autumn ground ]
There's a couple of others though, that need a bit of work.
[While the trees stand cold and bare]
[As befits a lame old man]
There places that keep perfect rhythm and some that falter. I know that you can fix them.
~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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scribbler
Mon, 2015-10-26 21:20
Hi Gee
Thanks for the visit and honest opinion. As you know I usually wait a bit before editing anything except typos but I'll keep your ideas in mind when I Do edit this one.......stan
author commentvandiemenspeak
Tue, 2015-10-27 06:51
Nothing lame here Stan..
I like the sense of pathos this evokes. There's a real sense of autumnal reminiscing, and some serene, detached imagery, i liked:
the rain and snow will bind them there
where they'll join with their kindred loam
The meter isn't strict - but then i think it's better for its susceptibility - only crit is at the end, don't give up on the old dog yet, almost sounds like an elegy!
Nice work.
All the best ,
Chris.
Chris Hall - Tasmania
Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.
scribbler
Wed, 2015-10-28 08:46
Hi Chris
There are days when the weather and chronic pain lead me to write in this dirge like manner. But then the sun comes out and I have a "good" knee and shoulder day and I'm back to my old self lol. Thanks for dropping by......stan
author commentwesley snow
Tue, 2015-10-27 15:06
Another in a series of walks.
I'm in good shape.
If you hadn't written so many "different" poems of late I'd complain, but you have paid your dues and it's past time for a stroll.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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scribbler
Wed, 2015-10-28 08:48
Hi Wes
We all stroll through life, I just like to write about it lol. So now do I have to write about something like...hmmm.....POLITICS???? lol.......stan
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2015-10-28 16:10
I should hope not.
.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
judyanne
Sun, 2015-11-01 07:49
love it Stan
And no compaints about the meter either :)
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Sun, 2015-11-01 14:31
Hi MM
Good to see you back! And thanks for the time to read this scribble.......stan
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