Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

To live and fall

Submitted by Simon1985 on Sat, 2024-03-16 16:41

There is no spring without a winter,
You can never appreciate sunshine without the rains.
You can never climb mountains without a fear inside you,
Of what you will lose or could possibly gain.

To become a man takes virtue. Not just rules or that gentleman's touch.
Descent into danger, just choices by far too many or maybe one to much.
The wisdom of my success was always around me. I'm my mind, spirit, heart and soul.
But failing life, it's beauty and my expectation. that's my sin and that I should of controlled

So don't give up keep fighting. To the soldiers mantra "charge on"
And to kill my demons. It takes courage. But to face yourself that's how a man becomes one.
Now it's not about the past or the future it's my time now, and now is the time to walk on. So forgive us our sins of grandeur, and never forget where I've come from
But continue marching onward because today is the moment and yesterday has gone.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

This was very first poem I wrote it came out of me in literally minutes be honest that's what I need to progress but if you want to understand my work this is the best one to start with

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 03/010/24 to 03/16/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-03-16 22:41

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem explores themes of resilience, self-reflection, and personal growth, using a variety of metaphors and imagery. It effectively conveys the message that hardships and struggles are integral parts of life and personal development.

However, there are areas in the poem that could benefit from refinement. The rhythm and meter of the poem are inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. Experimenting with a more consistent rhythm or rhyme scheme could enhance the overall reading experience.

The poem also contains a few grammatical errors that can distract from the message. For instance, the phrase "I'm my mind, spirit, heart and soul" could be revised for clarity. Similarly, the phrase "that I should of controlled" should be corrected to "that I should have controlled".

The poem's language is generally clear and accessible, but a few lines are somewhat ambiguous. For example, the line "Descent into danger, just choices by far too many or maybe one to much" could be clarified to better convey its intended meaning.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more focused exploration of its themes. While the themes of resilience and personal growth are clear, the poem also touches on a variety of other topics, such as sin and grandeur, which are not fully developed. A more focused exploration of a few key themes could enhance the poem's overall impact.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Tue, 2024-03-19 12:24

To Live and Fall

Hello, Simon,
Welcome to Neopoet!
Wonderful title that incorporates the entire theme of the poem. Very nice. My suggestion to make this a bit easier on the eyes for the reader would be to make the lines of the same length and divide into equal stanzas. It will make the poem longer, but much easier to comprehend. You might want to take out any words or language that's not necessary, and also divide some of the longer sentences, for example:

To become a man takes virtue.
Not just rules, or that gentleman's touch.

I think you have a lot that is notable here!
Thank you, and I look forward to seeing any revisions you decide to make, and more of your work!
Lavender

Simon1985

Thu, 2024-03-21 13:23

Thank you very much for your

Thank you very much for your guidance and support I have taken everything on board but will apply it to new work this poem has a VERY special place in my heart so wouldn't want to change anything not out of ego just out of sentimentality but as it's my first and most true work I can use your guidance and teaching to use on new stuff thanks again and thanks for taking the time to read it and help me respect

author comment

Simon1985

Thu, 2024-03-21 13:29

Absolutely love the opening

Absolutely love the opening sentence sent a shiver through me. One is A warrior of words respect

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-03-20 07:34

Dear Simon,

first of all... welcome to Neopoet, we are glad to have your membership! I echo Lady Lavender's words in all she has spoken. I enjoyed your poem, but would have enjoyed it more had it been more easy on the eyes. Lavender's suggestions would take care of that.

My favorite lines lie within this paragraph:

I am wondering if the word (us) should be (me)?

My Dad would have liked and agreed with your poem!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Simon1985

Thu, 2024-03-21 13:27

Hi thanks for your reply and

Hi thanks for your reply and for taking the time to read it a ive replied to another comment this poem was the first I ever wrote and not out of ego or anything it's just has a very sentimental place in my mind but it's the truest representation of me as a person and as a poet so the guidance and support you've given I will use for my future work of that makes any sense thanks again for reading it I appreciate it can I see some of your work if that's ok

author comment

Neopoet

To live and fall