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The man, the woman, and the dog

Submitted by Trail on Sat, 2024-06-08 22:07

I sigh and close the door
Lean on it and close my eyes for a bit
I should have left this place years ago
But I've never had the heart

Everything is still the same
After all these years
Maybe this is what's wrong
What's got me closed in a loop

The picture is still on the mantelpiece
The man, the woman and the dog
There are days I don't even recognize the man
He looks bright and full of energy
He looks alive
Even has a smile on his face
Sometimes,
I have a hard time remembering being him

Next to it there's a dried rose
She loved roses, right?
My brain is screaming at me to stop
To stop thinking about the picture
About the woman and the dog
Or the rose next to it
I stretch out my hand and almost touch it
But I'm afraid it might crumble at my touch

The man, the woman, and the dog
The old rose and the scented candle
Next to the old chewtoy
Dust covered, all of them
Just how long has it been?

There are nights Jack Daniel's stays close to hand
And the tears can't stop flowing
Tonight, I'm afraid
May be one of those nights
A. SWANTALALA

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-06-09 04:10

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The man, the woman, and the dog" evokes a sense of nostalgia and longing for the past. The imagery of the picture on the mantelpiece, the dried rose, and the scented candle creates a poignant atmosphere of memories and emotions. The repetition of certain elements like the man, the woman, and the dog, as well as the reference to Jack Daniel's and tears, adds to the emotional depth of the poem.

One suggestion for improvement could be to further explore the specific memories or moments that the speaker is reminiscing about. Providing more concrete details or anecdotes could help the reader connect more deeply with the emotions being conveyed. Additionally, consider varying the structure or pacing of the poem to enhance its impact and keep the reader engaged throughout.

Overall, the poem effectively captures a sense of melancholy and reflection, but expanding on specific memories or experiences could enrich the emotional resonance of the piece.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Sun, 2024-06-09 21:00

The Man, The Woman, and The Dog

Hello, Trail,
Such a wonderful narrative, filled with both melancholy and enough mystery to make the reader delve deeper into its emotions and meaning. I followed the narrator with each movement in every slow and purposeful moment. Much to like here.
Thank you!
L

Trail

Thu, 2024-06-13 20:24

Thanks L

I'm glad you liked this one. Thank you for reading and for leaving the wonderful review

author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2024-06-14 17:26

Your title sets a lovely hook to read more...

Hello Trail,

I am an Oldie, a long time member of Neopoet. I cannot remember reading anything as engaging as your poem in a long time. it has such a strong current of longing and lost love...it feels like death has had a hand in creating this bittersweet memory. in reading it, I felt your love and longing!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Candlewitch

Fri, 2024-06-14 17:28

p.s.

you should enter this in the weekly contest!!!

it is that good. *hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Neopoet

The man, the woman, and the dog