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The meeting
The meeting
It's that simple encounter between us
You take my hand and I will follow you into the trees
The earth gives still wine
glowing red
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
I´m not at all satisfied with the first line Maybe it is better to witdrawn half of it and keep " Is it that simple"
It's that simple encounter between us
Bye the way The readers are my Co-author in this very rare poem
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Sat, 2016-10-15 10:23
Good self crit, bengt
yes, that first line needs work.
Some refuse to offer suggestions, fearing sullying the poet's purity of thought.
I don't. Perhaps-
Just between us
or
encountering,
or
that encounter between us
or even
so simple that
My suggestions are just that, of course, I merely try to show that you can lose a lot of words.
even the second line-
You take my hand with you into the trees
Remember all suggestions are just that, read and ignore or use or let them provoke other ideas as well.
For all the suggestions it is a fine poem as it stands.
"Never throw out the baby with the bathwater"
Welcome to Neopoet.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Candlewitch
Sat, 2016-10-15 10:55
hello,
perhaps: a simple encounter between us (for the first line)
If I were to lose anything, it would be the last line. the rest is all good. that's my honest opinion.
nice to meet you!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Esker
Sat, 2016-10-15 14:32
wow! Logic and abstraction
a good mix!
was thinking of "into"
follow you to..the trees
or follow U through the
trees....
just a smoother abstraction
word flow
but it works well the way
it is!
this could be a spring scene
summer or fall
Thank U
Mr Wolf!
bengt Frisk
Sun, 2016-10-16 05:59
The Meeting
Thanks for the interesting suggestions
Some small thoughts about the poem
It starts with a simple meeting but through the obstacles (trees) that the couple faced not only they maintains (earth gives still wine) but also strengthens, (glowing red) increases and simultaneously displays the physical and mental love connecting force.
My final version is now
THE MEETING
a simple encounter between us
You take my hand and I will follow you through the
trees
The earth gives still wine
glowing red
author commentEsker
Sun, 2016-10-16 10:26
Excellent!
I greatly like your background on the work
explaining trees as obstacles
which when moving through alone with someone
or with a dog....(I do walks not dog punching as in hunting)
either way the trees are obstacles but also cover
funny how words affect us
the word into other then for me sounding like
Minto...Pinto..
like mincing steps in your long
gait flow of word use
"Into" for me as a poet
is like..."into trouble"..."into the dark"
"into shit" is a transitioning word
a gate word
"enter" is another good word
but the revision sounds strong
and the clarity of your poem
stands out well with the
background detailing
Thank U!
Mr Wolf!
Geezer
Sun, 2016-10-16 19:46
My only crit...
and suggestion would be to reverse the order of the words,[gives and still]. Other than that, it's a thumbs up for me! ~ Gee.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
weirdelf
Wed, 2016-10-19 08:35
bengt Frisk
If you look to the top of your page now you will see an 'Edit' tab.
If you post a revised or final form of you poem there we can see the changes you have made and sometimes help you save "throwing out the baby with the bathwater".
Which you have not done here,
excellent revisions.
Welcome again to Neopoet.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry