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A Message From Future
By Izaan Raza, March 2023
Roses were red and violets use to be blue-
The oceans rose and the world was changed for the new-
The future is cunning and all-knowing but you had no clue-
For what came next shook the books of time-
The past forgotten, and the earth was left abandoned-
Nature is destructive and humble-
But time is ageless-
The past was kind and you didn’t care-
Now you're left in a deep hole of utter putrid despair-
The earth kept going even without you-
For it only became stronger when your extinction was due-
You became like the dinosaurs, your time was up-
The Earth said tough love, for I stop for no one-
After all, it’s simply a host for the unwanted and corrupt-
So, are you happy with the outcome?
Are you satisfied with you’re choices?
For now, there may never be a future that will ever
Commence-
Future is all-knowing, future is all-knowing
But when it asked for help, you were invisible-
So time stopped for you and everyone,
For the Earth could no longer bear; tick tock, tick tock, tick…
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Tue, 2023-02-28 08:59
Welcome to Neo...
I like the theme, your rhyme is pretty good but wanders off after the second stanza
and again in the fifth and sixth. I suppose that there is precedent for this and don't really mind
but it generally poses the question of how to label it in the end. [I see that you have it as Western structured].
I would suggest that you trim your lines to make it flow a little smoother. An example:
Roses were red and violets were blue
The oceans rose, the world changed for new
The future cunning, all-knowing, you had no clue
The past was kind and you didn't care
You are left in a deep hole, in utter despair
The Earth keeps on without you
Becoming stronger as your extinction is due
Of course, these are only suggestions
and I'm sure that you might do better with some of the changes
you could do. All-in-all, a good theme, the title is good and the end is definitely good. ~ Geezer.
.
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Rosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2023-02-28 15:49
Welcome
Geezer is about the best critic on the site and you’re in good hands with his suggestions for the editing. I too enjoyed the poem and thought it worked well. It can be tighter but it doesn’t need to be tighter as Geezer said; there’s precedent for some looseness.
Tim
Rosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2023-02-28 15:50
Welcome
Welcome to Neopoet