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OBSERVATIONS ( A love poem without the word love)

Submitted by scribbler on Wed, 2023-06-21 17:48

A bit of gray among the brown
(she thinks she's getting old).
Her forehead wrinkles with a frown.
She's ageless as untarnished gold.

Her recliner almost swallows her
as she paints without brush
using random colors that just occur.
Her fingers move without a rush.

Eyes downcast to busy hands;
legs crossed to hold her pad.
The sight of her pumps my old glands
moving my mood to totally glad.

Finally she looks my way,
sees this silly smile on my old face.
She smiles back, there's nothing more to say
as she rises and walks toward my place.

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoem of the week June 18th to June 24th 2023

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-06-21 23:50

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Thank you for sharing your poem "Observations". Your poem effectively portrays the speaker's observations of a woman who is aging but still has a certain beauty and grace about her. The use of imagery such as "untarnished gold" and "random colors that just occur" adds depth to the poem and helps to create a vivid picture in the reader's mind.

One suggestion for improvement would be to consider the use of punctuation in the poem. While the lack of punctuation can create a sense of flow and continuity, it can also make the poem difficult to read and understand. Consider adding punctuation to help clarify the meaning and structure of the poem.

Overall, "Observations" is a well-crafted poem that effectively conveys the speaker's observations of a woman who is aging gracefully. Keep up the good work!

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Seren

Fri, 2023-06-23 11:02

Dear Bro

Oh god!! This is absolutely one of your best poems. With out love huh? It's all love and it burns every so bright even after all those years. Oh, to be loved like this. Sigh sigh sigh.

Bravo!!

love always Sis x

p.s. I wouldn't change a damn word of this one.

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

scribbler

Fri, 2023-06-23 16:33

Hi Jayne

So you like it? lol. The title was to emphasize it was for the contest and never fear true love will be your with patience

author comment

RoseBlack

Sat, 2023-06-24 09:03

This is

Very sweet. I really enjoy poems or tales of lasting love and how it is still present even in aging. Makes me think of my mom and dad. I can only hope for such a love if it isn't too late. Well done.

~RoseBlack~

scribbler

Sat, 2023-06-24 09:35