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From One Poet To Another
Your pen dances with the grace of a swan
and the words flow smoothly from your thoughts
forming the fabrics of great poetry
that has always filled me with envy
My pen stumbles in my trial,
struggling with cliches and prose,
finding ways to carve imagery
into verses filled with subtle words..
Share with me your wisdom, my dear friend
I crave to reach the starry heights
but my feet are still rooted to earth.
still i cling to this dream for all its worth
Too many sleepless nights will be wasted
if I vanquished this dream from my mind.
My heart is telling me to keep on striving
to let the poet in me grow with time
One day I may walk with you in equal stride
but for now i will strive as i moved on
so that my dream will come alive
and I will be reborn
Comments
Lonnie
Tue, 2014-05-13 15:47
alidzain
You created this poem with your own thoughts and thought patterns and it came out with the precise message that you were obviously intending! Despite what many would say, I believe in learning by doing, not taking instructions or following someone else's patterns, but experimenting on your own with the intellectual gifts that you already possess! Experience is the best teacher, my friend, and living life will give you that experience!
alidzain
Tue, 2014-05-13 16:57
Lonnie
Thanks for the kind words and the encouragement, my friend.
Alid
raj
Tue, 2014-05-13 16:11
Alid
Stan commented on one of your poems in which he mentioned that you have shown immense and continual improvement . This poem is a testimony of that wherein you have expressed your sentiments so honestly and humbly. In my opinion, humility is a great virtue of an Artist which you are.
Just a few suggestions for your review:-
S1 L1 dance [dances]
S1 L3 fill [filled]
S2 L1 delete "own" when it is preceded by "My"
S2 L2 delete "the"
S3 L2 An alternative "I crave to reach the starry heights"
S3 L3 is [are]
S2 L3 Try for a stronger finish to this beautiful poem. If I come up with something, I will share that with you.
I enjoyed the read. but also tend to agree to an extent with what Lonnie has commented.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Tue, 2014-05-13 17:02
Raj,
thanks for the visit and the comments. I agree that the last stanza needs tweaking but I can't figure it out yet.
Alid
raj
Wed, 2014-05-14 06:20
Alid
I am sure you will come out with a strong finishing line soon.
I still believe you need to change "is" to "are" because is is prefixed with feet ..think about it...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Wed, 2014-05-14 07:01
Hi Raj
Done some edit and additions tell me what you think.
Alid
weirdelf
Thu, 2014-05-15 07:05
Thesimple answer.
Read more great poetry.
You will learn to stop whining about your short-comings.
cheers,
Jess
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