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Our Twining

Submitted by gregwa8 on Sat, 2019-05-18 20:49

I imagine these lampposts
Have roots
Tangled beneath the concrete

These buildings
With foundations
Stories beneath the ground
Like massive glaciers
In and out of water

The country, the garden
Is not the only
Land of substratum metaphor

We walk freely
In forest or burrough
But so much of us
Is sucking nutrients
From the place we are

The familiar news
Of a gang
Related death
The store or shelter
Established
On 22nd Street
For years

The social twining
That if you were to dig up
In some way we would die

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This poem is poem response to the haiku: morning glories -- the well-bucket entangled I ask for water. I'd love to hear your critiques and I'll try to edit the poem based on what you share.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

scribbler

Sun, 2019-05-19 16:14

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I'm in the mood for a critique so here goes lol
I imagine these lampposts
Have roots........try having roots
Tangled beneath the concrete

These buildings
these foundations........this just seems bit more poetic to me for some reason
Stories beneath the ground
Like massive glaciers
as much in as out of water......a bit clearer in intended meaning perhaps

The country, the garden
are not the only.....changed to match plurality of previous line
Land of substratum nexuses.......dan't baldly state metaphors

We walk freely
In forest or burrough
But so much of us
Is sucking nutrients
From whatever place we are...clarification maybe

The familiar news
a gang Related death
in some store or shelter.......just seems better
Established
On 22nd Street
For years......------force reader to pause and possibly consider this stanza

The social twining
That if you were to dig up
In a way would destroy us.............this way reader can consider being greatly harmed to the point of death yet left alive

Ok, hope this wasn't too painful and none of it is expected to be used word for word buy, rather, as an indication of other ways to state what I think you are trying to convey. BTW enjoyed lol

Geezer

Sun, 2019-05-19 19:46

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when Stan is the mood for a critique and he beats me to the draw! He usually says all the things I want to say, but either aren't quick enough to or not astute enough to recognize, [only after he says it]. LoL
I totally agree with everything he said. This is one of the best that I've seen from you, but you can tweak it to make it better. My favorite lines are the first stanza. Wow! ~ Geezer.
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