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PAGES

Submitted by Psyve on Wed, 2010-12-08 15:50

PAGES

Is your mind an open book,
Can they look inside your head?
Do you only still show pages you want read?

What do you tell them when the Horror
Leaves you chilled and drenched in bed?
Are you still oppressed by dreams in Black and Red?

Have you found the man who’s shown you
How to overcome your dread-
Shown you how to pluck those pictures from your head?

Though you didn’t want to show me,
Yet, nights you shivered in my bed-
That’s when I had my first glimpse inside your head,
And now we’re both oppressed by dreams in Black and Red:
Yet, I just can’t tear your pages from my head…

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Comments

Psyve

Fri, 2010-12-10 06:24

Psyve's picture

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this one.
I realise I use internal ryymes in several of my lyrics without conciously making an effort to do so. It just sort of flows...
The use of the "book" metaphor was concious, tho.
Glad you liked this.
Psyve

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Psyve

Fri, 2010-12-10 07:43

Psyve's picture

Thank you for your very kind words.
I am touched.
P

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Geezer

Wed, 2010-12-08 16:31

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I like this. It gives one the feeling of sympathy with the dreamer. Just a few tweaks?

Do you only show, the pages you want read?
Comma after oppressed
comma after plucked
[The ] instead of yet
That's when I was able, to see inside your head.
[And] I just can't seem to tear, your pages from my head.

Of course these are only suggestions, and I'm sure that you might have your own ideas.
Respectfully, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Psyve

Fri, 2010-12-10 07:40

Psyve's picture

First of all, thank you for your detailed comments.

I do very much appreciate the time you have taken to read this and offer your suggestions.

I have gone through your comments and my own thoughts are as under:

The use of the word "still" in "Do you only still show pages you want read?" to me implies a history, perhaps of intimacy, between the singer and the protagonist, that "Do you only show, the pages you want read?" may not.

Not sure I agree about the two commas either:

Are you still oppressed(,) by dreams in Black and Red

Shown you how to pluck(,) those pictures from your head?

As regards the possibility of dropping the "yet" and replacing it with "the" :

"Though you didn’t want to show me, yet, nights you shivered in my bed,"

"Though you didn’t want to show me, the nights you shivered in my bed"

This would probably be more grammatically correct, but for me, it loses a touch of the dramatic quality of that statement.

Lastly, because this is a song lyric and not really a poem, I am also bound by the rules of song meter, wherein the appropriate syllable needs to be accented : Thus : "Thats when I had my first glimpse inside your head." works in the context of the meter of the song while: "That's when I was able, to see inside your head" does not feel as ...right.

Just my own opinion...

For the same reason: "... Yet I just can't tear your pages from my head" works better in terms of song meter than "'[And] I just can't seem I just can't seem to tear, your pages from my head" ... too many syllables...unless you lose the "and" and try: "I just can't seem to tear, your pages from my head"... with the 3 words of "I just can't" being spoken together very quickly, to fit the meter...

I hope the above does not come across as if I am not open to suggestion or improvement on my work. To the contrary, I appreciate your comments but just wanted you to hear my own thoughts on the matter.

Song lyrics have their own constraints...

Thank you once again for taking the time. I do appreciate it very much.

Psyve

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scribbler

Wed, 2010-12-08 23:19

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Well geezer beat me to the spots that I had thought about mentioning, but I really liked the theme of this poem.................scribbler

Psyve

Fri, 2010-12-10 07:33

Psyve's picture

Pleased you liked this song / poem.
I have addressed the technical side of Geezer's comments in my response to him above.
Thank you for listening.
Psyve

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Psyve

Fri, 2010-12-10 07:35

Psyve's picture

Thank you for stopping by to comment. Yes, our suffering, even if is is only in the mind, is often shared by those who love us.

Psyve

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Candlewitch

Sat, 2010-12-11 10:40

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Though you didn’t want to show me,
Yet, nights you shivered in my bed-
That’s when I had my first glimpse inside your head,
And now we’re both oppressed by dreams in Black and Red:
Yet, I just can’t tear your pages from my head…

So vivid! (I dream in color) Great imagery and passion in this piece. This person must have really gotten to you, I gather from the last line. I love the unusual theme, I haven't read much on this topic. Or found such creativity on the subject matter. Very eloquently crafted. I have no suggestions as I think it is perfect as it is.

always, Cat

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Psyve

Sat, 2010-12-11 14:05

Psyve's picture

Thank you for reading and for your kind words.
Am pleased you liked this song.
Psyve

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