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Rewrite - "Shapes"...

Submitted by Geezer on Sun, 2024-05-26 13:20

Shapes...

Punching away shadows, dark, floppy shapes.
Back where they came from, the dirty street.
Lights smothering the black, inky abyss, the pockets.

Above the silken, ebon blanket,
a silver, sinister grin from the ghostly moon,
changing shape, from horns to mirrored glow.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
How to use imagery in poetry..
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-05-26 19:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Shapes" demonstrates a strong use of imagery and metaphor, creating a vivid picture in the reader's mind. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from more clarity and consistency in its metaphors.

1. The first line, "Punching away shadows, dark, floppy shapes," could be clarified. The use of the word "floppy" to describe shadows or shapes is unusual and might confuse readers. It could be more effective to use a term that better fits with the theme of shadows and darkness.

2. The phrase "the dirty street" in the second line seems disconnected from the rest of the imagery in the poem. If the street is a significant element, it may be beneficial to expand on this concept and weave it more thoroughly into the poem.

3. The third line, "Lights smothering the black, inky abyss, the pockets," is a strong image, but the use of the word "pockets" is unclear. If "pockets" refers to pockets of darkness, it might be more effective to clarify this.

4. The transition from the first stanza to the second could be smoother. The first stanza seems to focus on a street-level view, while the second abruptly shifts to a skyward view. A transition line or phrase could help bridge these two perspectives.

5. In the second stanza, the phrase "a silver, sinister grin from the ghostly moon" is a compelling image. However, the term "sinister" seems at odds with the rest of the poem's tone. If the moon's appearance is meant to be menacing, it would be beneficial to establish this tone earlier in the poem.

6. The last line, "changing shape, from horns to mirrored glow," is a strong ending. However, the term "mirrored glow" could be clarified. If it refers to the moon's reflection on a body of water or other surface, it would be beneficial to establish this image earlier in the poem.

Overall, the poem shows promise with its vivid imagery and metaphors. With some refinement and clarification, it could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

Wed, 2024-05-29 12:27

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I thought you needn't add much to this piece as it has a fair amount of imagery, especially sight ones. Maybe other types like smell or taste, do you think that those have any chance here to be added

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Geezer

Wed, 2024-05-29 13:51

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However, I feel that the use of different or more descriptive words
does not make this more of a piece by the author.
It makes it another person's.
I can make it as much mine as I want, but never more his.
He wrote this with a specific mood in mind, if I deliberately change it,
it's now, mine.

Sucking away the shadows, sweet shapes of dark
Inhaled in smoke-rings, from musty tasting streets
Amber-light of honey, delectable odor in my pocket

Purple robe of night, adorned with the moon
A silver mirror, floats among the stars
changing shape to wicked horn

~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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author comment

scribbler

Wed, 2024-05-29 20:55

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you might be missing the purpose of this next to last exercise. This is meant to get the original author to realize there are improvements in a poem which can be made by using imagery. The Final exercise will allow the author to enhance his/her poem by using whatever imagery he/she wants

scribbler

Wed, 2024-05-29 20:55

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you might be missing the purpose of this next to last exercise. This is meant to get the original author to realize there are improvements in a poem which can be made by using imagery. The Final exercise will allow the author to enhance his/her poem by using whatever imagery he/she wants

scribbler

Wed, 2024-05-29 20:56

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you might be missing the purpose of this next to last exercise. This is meant to get the original author to realize there are improvements in a poem which can be made by using imagery. The Final exercise will allow the author to enhance his/her poem by using whatever imagery he/she wants

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