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Rhubarb Pie
sometimes i think i have too much ambition.
i just can’t help wanting it all with you:
the garden in the backyard,
dirt stains on your jeans from kneeling in the dirt,
homegrown rhubarb pie cooling in our kitchen.
the coffee table photo album
with polaroids from a hundred different places;
france, germany, new york, and maine .
a big old tree for us to lay under,
soft grass to cushion our heads
and a sea of stars for us to admire.
bright colored rocks in a stream,
built for catching salamanders in on lazy sundays,
and for laughing when you slip and soak your clothes.
coffee dates, your hands in my hair, chinese takeout;
some of the best dates we will ever have
will happen without leaving the couch.
with you i just can't help wanting it all:
not just another story to tell my niece at dinner,
or more pictures to throw in the old shoebox-
i want the rocking chairs on the porch,
your bike leaned up on the driveway,
and two kayaks tied to the roof of my car.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Im still editing this so any feedback is appreciated!
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-04-10 04:12
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses vivid imagery to convey a sense of longing and desire. The details about the backyard garden, rhubarb pie, and the photo album create a strong sense of place and a domestic atmosphere. The poem also successfully uses concrete details to evoke more abstract concepts like ambition and longing.
However, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. Most lines start with "I want" or "the", which can make the poem feel monotonous. Experimenting with different ways to start lines could make the poem more engaging and dynamic.
The poem also seems to rely heavily on clichéd images, such as the sea of stars, the rocking chairs on the porch, and the bike on the driveway. While these images are effective in creating a sense of nostalgia and domesticity, they could be more original or specific to the speaker's experience to make the poem more unique and personal.
Lastly, the poem could use more consistent punctuation. Some lines end with a comma, some with a period, and some with no punctuation at all. Consistent punctuation could help guide the reader through the poem and clarify its rhythm and pacing.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Wed, 2024-04-10 09:24
I don't agree...
with the AI on the point of cliches, I believe that good poem can use them to effectively transmit a scene as a whole, rather than building it. Building them is fine, don't get me wrong; however, when the object is to make one feel the nostalgic or fuzzy-heart feelings, then the focus has to be on the scene as a whole, like a "Big-eyed puppy" conveys a feeling of warmth, silky fur, and a little pink tongue.
I don't see the evidence of the use of want and need being a problem here. I think that the AI is trying too hard.
I do see the need for a few little changes:
"built for catching salamanders [in on] lazy sundays".
"Your bike leaned [up on] the driveway". I think that you might say: leaned on the gate to the driveway, or something like that.
The rest of it suits me fine. I know that most anyone that readds this poem, will feel the longing for a simple home-life with the one you love.
I say, nicely done! ~ Geez.
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Lavender
Wed, 2024-04-10 10:59
Rhubarb Pie
Hello, MM,
I love this title. A wonderful fondness for something so specific. And that's the theme for the entire poem - personal, individual longings and wants. This is what makes up unique relationships, yet somehow the reader can still relate due to the warm feeling the poem sincerely expresses.
Thank you!
L