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Said the Moth to the Bird

Submitted by Tigger Kaz on Mon, 2023-10-23 09:29

Have you heard the latest word,
Said the Moth to the Bird.
A term that shows their weakest link,
Shows their inability to think.

Why can these humans not live together?
Asked the Bird pecking at some heather.
Why do people always kill each other?
Aren’t they each an earthly brother?

And the Bird pondered at this word,
In the description he had heard.
Is it HATE by any chance?
Bird piped up with a knowing glance.

Then both bird and moth felt very sad,
At thoughtless humans who are so bad.
And whilst taking the time to sit and cry,
They made a pact to share the sky.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-10-23 15:30

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

It is not feasible to offer feedback.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Tigger Kaz

Mon, 2023-10-23 16:27

Tigger Kaz's picture

Did you glitch Neo?
Oh shucks, and I was looking forward to your appraisal.

author comment

Ruby Lord

Tue, 2023-10-24 09:35

Ruby Lord's picture

I enjoyed your poem, the ideas within it are very current.
Perhaps you could tighten up on some of the repitition and use alternatives to improve on the themes and messages? Using an online thesaurus may help?
I use Wordhippo for my thesaurus, it's a great internet source.
It's a good poem and as it is still at the draft stage, I believe you can make it even better with a few tweaks. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Tigger Kaz

Tue, 2023-10-24 18:18

Tigger Kaz's picture

Which repeated words are you suggesting that I could change?

author comment

Ruby Lord

Wed, 2023-10-25 05:28

Ruby Lord's picture

Word is repeated twice in the first stanza and again in the 3rd stanza and you've used they quite often in the poem. Hope this helps, Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Candlewitch

Wed, 2023-10-25 07:29

Candlewitch's picture
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so very nice to see you posting your poetry again! we have missed you around here! these are all valid questions that you ask. if you ever should find the answers you seek, please let me know...

*hugs & love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Jokerface82

Sat, 2023-11-25 21:11

Jokerface82's picture

Birds just seem to get along but humans are different this was deep I enjoyed it

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