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Shadow on the face
My dear friend, forever true,
what the hell happened to you?
You were always happy, bright,
even in the darkest night.
None could push you off your way,
with you I cherished every day,
we could always laugh and joke
every single time we spoke.
But something has gone astray,
now your eyes seem blue and gray.
I see a shadow on your face,
the light is gone without a trace.
Snap out of this melancholy!
Don’t be blue, instead be jolly.
Luck is out there and it’s waiting,
please stop this procrastinating.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2022-11-09 11:14
One of the harder...
forms of rhyme! At least to me. If I use it, it usually takes me a while to get the rhythm. Nice little poem to send a friend, who needs cheering up. The only line that seems just a tiny bit off is the last one, where the word procrastinating is one syllable too long. However, I am not sure of how to fix it and it matters very little. The message means more than obsessing over an
extra syllable. Very nice! On second thought, I believe that it might be fixed by saying: "Please just stop procrastinating"
~ Geezer.
.
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Jack W. Stanley
Sat, 2022-11-12 09:18
Thanks Geezer,
This actually was written for a friend currently in a down phase and will be part of the birthday present in a few days.
To me the last verse sounded fine enough since the accent in the last word is on the second syllable. When I read it out loud, it almost felt like a combination of 4-4. I will respectfully leave it as it is, since it came to being in a burst of supportive feelings for my friend and I'd hate to change that. :-)
Your comment and advice is always appreciated. Thank you for reading.
Cheers!
Jack
author commentJack W. Stanley
Wed, 2023-02-01 17:09
Hi Mark,
My friend was moved by this (logically :-)) and the party was a blast. Several of us went out for some drinks at a stand up comedy show and a rock concert afterwards. Bullseye!
Cheers,
Jack
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