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Some Days
some days,
like a blank slate
awaiting a big bang,
I slip comfortably into nothingness
and lounge around
in complete aquiescence
not much I can say about it
(being totally blank at the time)
but eventually
thoughts of a basic nature
start ping-ponging
vague glimpses
of useless stuff
...why do I have a red car
...did Michaelangelo have a last name
...how long have I had these slippers
resisting temptation,
I latch on to none
I hold out
hoping for a strikingly obvious Ah! Ha!
some days
one never comes
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments
swamp-witch
Sat, 2018-06-16 13:27
Hey Al,
Sounds like mediation! I do so wish I could slip into nothingness sometimes. I can feel completely numb, emotionally, but my mind still races.
For me the opening stanza is the most powerful in terms of word choice, sound, and imagery. It's so poignant, I can see it as a haiku-esque poem that stands on it's own, invoking the reader to experience their own ping-ponging trivial thoughts while they ponder whether they will accept nothingness or not.
If I could make a few suggestions, I think adding a line break between the second stanza and the useless thoughts would benefit the reader by making them pause a tad bit more. I also think this poem deserves a title that stands out a bit more. Instead of repeating the line that is already repeated in the poem, there might be something that could hook readers a little more that fits the theme. Maybe "Philosophize" or "Ruminate" ?
Hope this helps if you decide to make any changes.
Take care,
Kelsey
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brittle light
Sun, 2018-06-17 08:18
Hi, Kelsey
not exactly meditation, more like a full day of morning schluby blahs! Mindless and numb
thanks for the compliments
I'll think about the title, but I think it should be something quite mundane
I appreciate your learn-ed opinon
Al
author commentchevyvent
Sat, 2018-06-16 14:15
both love and loss are embraced in this wonderful poem
both love and loss are embraced in this wonderful poem, maybe fear of fear is what she fears most, but that's cold comfort for an ignored lover full of hope, sustain your lovability and one day there will be a matching partner worthy of your longing for togetherness
Mario Vitale
swamp-witch
Sat, 2018-06-16 14:25
Mario,
I don't think we've read the same poem. I don't see anything about lovers in this poem? Please clue me in.
Kelsey
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brittle light
Sun, 2018-06-17 09:10
Mario, Mario, Mario
I think you have posted your comment on the wrong poem
otherwise I don't know what the hell you are talking about
No biggie
later man,
(I've made the same mistake. This should have been posted under Mario's comment ...obviously!)
Al
author commentIRiz
Sun, 2018-06-17 09:36
Some days wind is stale.
Some days wind is stale.
Sand creeps and scrabs
my poor soles. I stop walking,
lie down on the bank and
like banoba swing one foot
touching and splashing the water.
Some days
Some days
I love your poem!
IRiz
brittle light
Sun, 2018-06-17 16:13
cool response
cool response
I inferred the word banoba as bonobo; a rare specie similar to chimpanzees
maybe banoba is the feminine version of the word?
please correct me if wrong
you have a lovely style of writing, and conversing (albeit electronically)
cordially,
Al
author commentIRiz
Sun, 2018-06-17 16:55
Lol, thanks. It is bonobo,
Lol, thanks. It is bonobo, indeed. My Moscow accent manifests itself in many unexpected ways.
I hope it didn't take too long before you knew what I mean. Some languages omit vowels in the written form, I am not that radical.
IRiz
brittle light
Sun, 2018-06-17 17:16
I didn't even notice at first
I didn't even notice at first, so it took no time at all. I read it as "bonobo"
have you ever seen the memes wehre tyeh misisepll wrods using all the same letters but keep the frist and lsat letrtes the same. Seems a lot of people can read them perfectly without even noticing. I didn't even need the last letter!...the context was all that was needed
just had to make sure 'Banoba' wasn't one of the million words I am unfamiliar with.
Al
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