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the star
When he left
the serpent of sparkling diamonds
which
ripples and curves and stretches
from one side of night to the other
heard my cry of anguish, and
taking pity on me
gently persuaded darkness
to hold a single jem
apart from the other jewels that stud
its black cloak
To point the way he had gone
.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
lou
Wed, 2010-11-03 00:48
Hi
It's reads like a lovely opening to a poem, it feels like it needs to be continued.
But great imagery and a fab start.
Love Lou xx
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
judyanne
Wed, 2010-11-03 10:51
thanks lou
but i am not sure where to take this from here
any more seems to be banial
i will think on it though
thanks for the crit
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Ayaz Warith
Wed, 2010-11-03 02:39
This is seriously very rich
This is seriously very rich in words and thought. Nice. I liked it, Judy.
Regards
Ayaz
judyanne
Wed, 2010-11-03 10:51
thank you ayaz
i'm glad you liked it
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Wed, 2010-11-03 10:55
rosina
thank you,
as i said to lou, i don't really know where to take it
i actually don't think that more would add to this and in fact i think it would detract
- but as you both think i should i will look at it again with the thought of extending
thanks so much for the visit and comment
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Wed, 2010-11-03 14:22
i love you shirl
such a beautiful comment
thank you
hugs
judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Nordic cloud
Wed, 2010-11-03 15:08
What feeling, what anguish,
What feeling, what anguish, what gem,
one that is born of the fire of love and loss,
its glittering cannot tarnish with age,
it will be there forever and can be seen
by others in the corner of your eye,
where the little tear of sadness resides.
I understand this one dear judyanne.
sympathetic love from annanya.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
judyanne
Thu, 2010-11-04 01:19
what a lovely poem annanya
thank you
and thank you for the love
judyanne
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Wed, 2010-11-03 23:22
star
This is a great example of leaving the reader wanting more to good effect. Not all work needs to drone on and on like so much of mine does lol......scribbler
judyanne
Thu, 2010-11-04 01:21
scribbler
your work does not drone on....
thanks for the lovely comment
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
mand
Thu, 2010-11-04 04:02
Hi Judy
Your poems come from deep within your soul Judy.
I agree with Ann when she says:
What feeling, what anguish, what gem,
one that is born of the fire of love and loss,
Still you see the way, the star brings you comfort and hope, your faith is as big as the universe itself.
Thank you for sharing who you are.
Love Mand xxxxxx
judyanne
Thu, 2010-11-04 06:24
MAND!!!!
so lovely to see you
thanks for visiting
thank you so much for the lovely comments about both my poem and me....
love to you
judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Victorclaude
Thu, 2010-11-04 10:36
Judy,
Judy,
I like this one very much.
"which ripples and curves and stretches
from one side of night to the other
heard my cry of anguish and"
I like these especially, and "from one side of night to the other" is wonderful. This line conjures all kinds of images in shades of velvety darkness.
Just a thing or two:
"which ripples and curves and stretches"
--which ripples, curves and stretches-- seems to flow better for me. I read this aloud a couple of times just so my ears could hear it, and it sounded better, at least to me.
And "studded" seems to work better with the past tense format of the poem
Just thoughts.
Enthralling write!
Victor
"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."
Unknown (at least to me)
judyanne
Thu, 2010-11-04 10:50
thanks victor
for your inspiring comments
as for your thoughts - they are greatly appreciated.
i'll will think again on taking out the 'and'
i thought long and hard on it before posting and felt it helped stretch it out and give a large feel to the description - the comma to my read makes it curter, shortens it
and i think stud is the word to use
although the event of the poem happened in the past, the stars forever stud the sky....
i will think on what you have said though
thanks
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)