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The untold
When you have no way
To stand up or sit
You find yourself towered
By emotional fits
With hardships untold
And worries unnumbered
The greatest loss
Is the one undiscovered
You blame yourself
And all whos to be
The one who's guilty
Of the crime you can’t see
Soon the truth unfolds
In later life
And you are yet to decide
Whether you use a knife
To certain expenses
You get scared
But by others
You’ll be too tired to be repaired
From the trauma you faced
And blamed on god
You fought too hard
To be placed with some facade
The loved ones you worshiped
Will soon be in despair
To none would have thought
Life could be this unfair
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2022-11-28 18:23
Just a couple...
of little places to look at.
And all [who's] to be.
I would use a shorter version of the line: "Whether you use a knife."
If you use a knife.
Same for the line: "You'll be too tired to be repaired."
Be too tired to be repaired.
I think the lines can be changed to:
Who would have thought
Life could be so unfair?
Of course, this is your work, and if you think of something better,
or want to keep the lines the way they are for a reason...
I like the pace and rhythm, and the theme is good.
~ Geezer.
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