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Vestiges

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Sat, 2024-03-23 12:27

Left here in land of hill and peak,
where storms of sorrow slyly seek
to weary me and weigh me down:
I never chose this tortured town!

These song birds, blown upon the wing,
they squawk and sway, but rarely sing.
Since bleakness blinds them, blinds me too:
turns sapphire skies to black from blue!

Left here to age, while clouds race by,
I wait, as one by one they die:
those vestiges of youthful dreams
that flow away like sea-bound streams.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
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How was my language use?
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Last few words: 
Just penned this down by the canal in Whaley Bridge - sad reflections on my lonely life
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Sat, 2024-03-23 18:30

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Vestiges" effectively conveys a sense of melancholy and longing through its vivid imagery and consistent rhyme scheme. The use of nature imagery, such as storms, songbirds, and clouds, adds depth to the emotional landscape of the poem. The repetition of the phrase "Left here" creates a strong sense of isolation and resignation.

One suggestion for improvement would be to vary the rhythm and meter in certain lines to create more dynamic flow and impact. Additionally, consider exploring different poetic devices, such as metaphor or symbolism, to enhance the layers of meaning within the poem. Overall, "Vestiges" shows promise in its evocative language and themes of loss and passage of time.

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Triskelion

Sat, 2024-03-23 14:42

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...of this poem, but I couldn't understand why you shifted from a bird/ sky {(metaphor? I think...maybe simile?) hell, what do I know} to a final line involving water.

Thomas

.
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Geezer

Sat, 2024-03-23 22:41

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that there must be some reason for you to stay there, in that lonely town.
I've been there, but moved out. Of course, I was a lot younger then,
and still had a little spirit of adventure left. Anyway, I felt the lonliness, the despair.
The use of song birds that do not sing, and the clouds racing by like your youthful dreams,
gave me the feeling of desolation and I was caught up in wishing you some peace and tranquility,
rather than vestiges of hopefulness. Good work that made me sad. ~ Geez.
.

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Lavender

Sun, 2024-03-24 13:27

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Hello,
There is a strong feeling from the title onward that gives the reader a sense of loneliness. Each stanza has a deep feeling of abandonment, almost. I looked up Whaley Bridge - looks like a very old and enchanting town which has had some misfortune with flooding? After reading a bit about the town, the poem takes on a different tone, and I can imagine penning this down while sitting by the canal.
Thank you,
L

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sun, 2024-04-07 05:33

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Thank you for your full feedback and research! Yeah, Whaley Bridge is a lovely little town. A few years ago the reservoir burst its banks and almost flooded the whole town. We were all evacuated, but fortunately it all turned out well.

KBloor

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Obadiah Grey

Thu, 2024-03-28 11:11

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For what its worth,
I think you are a true Poet.

Obi.

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sun, 2024-04-07 05:30

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Thank you, Obi. I once was under that illusion, but realised, after reading some really true poets, that I am merely a mundane rhymester.

KBloor

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