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Waters
Timeless has been your love
Sweet, tender and gentle
Have been your caresses
On my shores
The never ending soothing lapping music
That invokes the winds to dance
With my trees
In sweet salty scented embraces
Songs born of life eternal
Which you have sung
Day and night
Since the beginning of our time
You softly run your liquid fingers
Throughout my contours
Creating countless pleasure
The heavens wish to know.
The sun tries to hold you in its skys
And once there
It must release you
For back to me you always descend
Fighting with thunder and lighting
You return to me
As a torrential downpour
Quenching my thirst for your love
You are the one
That brings life to me
And in return
I dress myself in the colors you adore
I am your earth
And you my healing waters.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
a comparison to life.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
New York City, N.Y. Spanish Harlem
Favorite Poets
P. Neruda, Jose de Diego, E. Dickenson, R. Frost, there are many more, but these had the greatest influence...
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Mon, 2012-04-16 03:41
Beautiful,
Beautiful poem well written, just one suggestion. I would replace one of the heavens with skys, ( The sun tries to devour you in it's skys, but once there, it has to release you.) or ( Creating countless pleasure , the skys would wish to know. ) Great poem even without my suggestions. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-04-16 13:01
Ros,
I took some of your suggestions, but not the "devour", The sun wanst what it can not have, the love and thirst for the loving waters. I used "hold" instead.
Thank you so much for your input, it is appreciated.
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2012-04-16 05:32
awesomely beautiful eddie
especially
'You are the one
That brings life to me
And in return
I dress myself in the colors you adore'
,,,I am your earth
And you my healing waters.'
really wonderful analogies
my only suggestion would be to punctuate it for smoother reading - but that's just me i often find poetry that starts every line with a capital letter detracts form the flow
lol as i said - just me
this write is so gentle and full of love
great word usage - wonderful imagery
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-04-16 13:07
Judy,
thank you for the "awesomely beautiful". the capital occur because my word is set to capitalize every start of a new line. it is because I do forget to capitalize a lot.
I am so happythe analogy came through and you saw it clearly.
Again, thank you for the visit and beautiful comment.
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentCandlewitch
Mon, 2012-04-16 13:52
Dear Eddie,
When reading this piece, I got the feeling of a tropical paradise! It is inspired writing, for sure. I really liked these lines:
You are the one
That brings life to me
And in return
I dress myself in the colors you adore
I am your earth
And you my healing waters.
I have no suggestions, just an appreciation of the wonderful work.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-04-16 18:15
Cat,
I just don't know what to say to such a generous comment.
WOW,Thank you is the best I can say.
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2012-04-21 15:01
A strong analogy/extended metaphor
Read aloud it reveals a new dimension, there is a gentleness in the language.
The stanza Fighting with thunder and lighting
You return to me
As a torrential downpour
Quenching my thirst for your love
opens up the possibility of tumultuous passions but doesn't quite follow through, you get drenched by her storms? I'm only being slightly facetious here, there is room to make this more tumultuously passionate instead of gently loving. That's just my opinion.
Beautifully written.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Sat, 2012-04-21 23:07
Jess,
It is incredible to me that you read that in the write, because it is suppose to be gentle. My lady Jonette is very gentle and it's the only way to keep her love. You are truly insightful, respect to your ability to see between the lines. To me there is a poetic magic in you. Regardless of your momentary lapses. You are a true teacher of words. Thank you so very much! Your personal lesson to me, especially the meter workshop has been invaluable to me.
With all my respect,
Eddie
PS. Understand I will still disagree with some of your madness.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2012-05-26 14:43
if you did not disagree with some of my madness,
I could not respect you [grins]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry