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Where Were You Last Night

Submitted by Mr joghe on Wed, 2023-07-05 15:58

The sounds came from the east
Like a festival drum beats
And came from the west
Nearer like an acrobatic drum beats
Sooner came from north and south
Just as custom drum beats for the emperors
And met at the central;
Whirling in my eardrums with a forcible sign
Everybody scattered like tatters
They ran into one another in a relentless pressure,
They made their paths on the thorns
As they rushed with whatever they could hold
to a faraway land.
All lips were sealed up when the trumpets added to the cacophony on the streets.
And accompanied by a weird red glow lit the sky
The chatter is not the cliff-hanger
But the runners who happened to be the escapees
Are closed in for the kill
While those that waited were the survivours
Because they waited to see the Sweet-William.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
The poem is pointing out the weakness of people when there is danger or alarm of danger blows in society or companies. Everyone runs for their lives. They hardly know the directions of danger or the secure way to follow. In this struggle, many run into danger and get killed. While others that follow their hearts are saved. The sweet-william means courage and gallantry. The poem encourages everyone to be courageous in time of trouble.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
July 2023 Challenge Where were you last night?
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-07-05 22:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Where Were You Last Night" effectively uses auditory and visual imagery to create a vivid scene of chaos and confusion. The repeated use of the drum beats from different directions helps to build tension and a sense of impending doom. However, the meaning of the poem could be made clearer with more context or explanation.

The line "Everybody scattered like tatters" is a strong metaphor that conveys the panic and disorder of the situation. However, the phrase "They ran into one another in a relentless pressure," is a bit confusing. It might be more effective to describe what is causing this pressure or how it is affecting the people.

The transition from the chaos on the streets to the calmness of the survivors waiting to see the Sweet-William is abrupt. The poem could benefit from more transition or explanation to help the reader understand this shift.

The use of the phrase "closed in for the kill" is a strong and powerful image, but it is not clear who or what is being killed. Providing more details or context could help to clarify this.

Overall, the poem effectively uses imagery and metaphor to create a vivid scene, but could benefit from more clarity and context to help the reader understand the meaning and message of the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Mr joghe

Thu, 2023-07-06 03:06

Mr joghe's picture

Impressive
The poem is pointing out the weakness of people when there is danger or alarm of danger blows in society or companies.
Everyone runs for their lives. They hardly know the directions of danger or the secure way to follow.
In this struggle, many run into danger and get killed. While others that follow their hearts are saved.
The sweet-william means courage and gallantry. The poem encourages everyone to be courageous in time of trouble.

"Words are currency of ideas and have the power to change world. Ride your pen on the rough road."

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2023-07-06 13:00

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it's true, many people run in a panic, whenever things go wrong, but not everyone! I see the bravery of your people and I know that someday, you will prevail and have the peace you deserve. No, not everyone will stand and fight, but enough. I see the hunger for independence. I have no criticism, I wouldn't know where to begin. ~ Geezer.
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RoseBlack

Sun, 2023-07-30 20:23

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Strong imagery and powerful words. Your poems are intense and thought provoking. Excellent work

~RoseBlack~

Mr joghe

Wed, 2023-08-02 02:06

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I like your comment.

"Words are currency of ideas and have the power to change world. Ride your pen on the rough road."

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