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Your Golden Hair

Submitted by Entend2u on Thu, 2023-05-11 14:30

Your golden hair is a citadel of light,
in spangled beams it braids the dawn
and early sun is put to flight.
The flaxen fields, your sweetbright hair,
a flower’s head in flowing breeze,
in wheaten lights it fills the air
as sparkled suns burst through the trees.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Lavender

Thu, 2023-05-11 15:24

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Hello, E2u,
I see from your profile that you appreciate the more formal poets. This shows in your poetry. I've read your other work, too, and your romantic style flows so easily - smooth and graceful. The language is beautiful, the rhyme is tight, and the poem is full of energy and adoration. You resurrect the poets of old. Beauteous!
L

Entend2u

Sat, 2023-05-20 05:59

Your comments are much appreciated. Sorry for the late reply - I've been on holiday.
Sometimes its hard not to echo the structure and language of some of the great poets of old but you will notice that I do mention Emily Dickinson - as well as poets such as Shakespeare - and in my youth I was really into the Beat poets (weren't we all).

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Geezer

Thu, 2023-05-11 16:46

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a little disappointed that this isn't a small part of an ode to your sweetheart! Gosh!
I can't imagine, if you were to let yourself go galloping through the poor girl's heart!

This is as romantic as anything I've read here lately. Nicely done! The only thing that I am bothered by is:
A citadel is like a super part of a fort; not what I would claim as a nice thing about a person's hair. Maybe pick another word?
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Entend2u

Fri, 2023-05-12 02:15

Thanks Geezer. Your point is well taken. I concede without a fight. You have also given me great food for thought. You have quoted the dictionary definition but, in my defence, I would point out that (please do not take umbrage) it is my poem and I am entitled to use a word how I want. Be that as it may, it is no use me using a word that means much to me but in the wrong context for the reader. I would like to give you a more detailed comment but unfortunately, without boring you with the details, I am literally going on holiday in minutes (to Norfolk - see my comment ref. my previous poem) and will be out of touch with the world for a week. I will get back to this subject then.

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Geezer

Fri, 2023-05-12 10:47

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on your holiday! See you when you get back! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Entend2u

Sat, 2023-05-20 06:22

Hi Geezer - the holiday was a good break. Now, this word "citadel". As I said, your comment gave me great food for thought. I have to admit that I was not aware of the military root of the word. Why did I use this word? Firstly, what it means to me is that great shining light you sometimes see around the head of Jesus or Mary in children's religious books - I do recognise a religious undertone in some of my work which is ironic since I am an atheist but religious ecstasy and unrequited obsessive "love" do fit quite neatly. Secondly, the word is ideal for use in lyrical poetry (another one that I like is "asphodel") in the right context and "citadel of light" just came into my mind at the time. Finally, another image that is stuck in my mind is when you see photos of oil rigs or massive cruise liners all lit up at night (I suppose they are like forts).
I googled "citadel of light" and find that I am not alone in originating this phrase. Other poets have used it (which is a compliment or a curse depending on how you view it). See
https://quod.lib.umich.edu/a/amverse/BAH7920.0001.001/1:10?rgn=div1;view...
This music also has the same name
https://www.youngcomposers.com/t38593/citadel-of-light-tdm/

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