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Living With Depression
My eyes and ears were burning,
and still I couldn't sleep.
All that I desired to do
was to lie there in a heap.
My motivation crushed again,
but I had to work to eat.
I couldn't get up out of bed
the darkness ran too deep.
The anxiety was so intense
I cried and wept for weeks!
I threw myself up out of bed
and walked out on the street.
And though the darkness still remained
I would not accept defeat!
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2024-06-22 19:31
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively explores the theme of depression, using vivid imagery to convey the speaker's emotional state. The use of first-person narration enhances the personal and intimate feel of the poem, allowing the reader to empathize with the speaker's struggles.
However, the poem could benefit from more varied language and more complex sentence structures. The repetition of the "I" pronoun at the beginning of many lines creates a monotonous rhythm that could be broken up with different sentence constructions.
The poem also tends to tell rather than show the speaker's emotions. For example, the line "The anxiety was so intense" could be replaced with a metaphor or simile that conveys the same idea in a more evocative way.
The ending of the poem is a powerful statement of resilience, but it could be made even stronger with a more detailed description of the speaker's actions. Instead of simply stating "I threw myself up out of bed and walked out on the street," the poem could describe the physical sensations and emotions associated with these actions to create a more immersive reading experience.
The poem's rhyme scheme is consistent, which contributes to its overall flow. However, the rhythm is occasionally disrupted by lines with a different number of syllables. Adjusting these lines to match the syllable count of the others could improve the poem's rhythm.
In conclusion, while the poem effectively communicates the speaker's struggle with depression and their determination to overcome it, it could be improved with more varied language, more show than tell, and a more consistent rhythm.
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Candlewitch
Sat, 2024-06-22 15:39
Dear Leslie,
I very much like the short lines which tell the story of your dark depression. I like the straightforward way in which the poem is presented... and then the forceful way in which you take control and declare your power over it! very nice.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
tyro
Sat, 2024-06-22 16:40
Hi Leslie
I like it , but maybe there is something you could consider; the sixth couplet throws off both the rynthm and the rhyme. It is there as reason to suppoer the change, but is it really needed
The anxiety was so intense
I cried and wept for weeks!
Then threw myself up out of bed...
Tyro
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
Leslie
Sat, 2024-06-22 16:41
Cat
Thank you for reading this. Those were difficult times to say the least!
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
Leslie
Sat, 2024-06-22 21:56
Tyro
As always my problem lies in putting a narrative In cognitive terms, instead of expressing things in emotional terms.
However it is difficult to do when living on
As usual the difficulty comes from trying to express a narrative in cognitive terms instead of doing it emotionally. My feelings
however are suppressed and grey making this nearly impossible in this state of mind. However thank you for reading it.
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
kowque
Sun, 2024-06-23 07:44
There is
Strength in keep going
I commend you
Koki
Leslie
Sun, 2024-06-23 09:42
kowque
Thank you kowque I hope that you have a good day!
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
Leslie
Sun, 2024-06-23 09:42
kowque
Thank you kowque I hope that you have a good day!
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
RoseBlack
Sun, 2024-06-23 09:15
How I know
These feelings so well. Depression is a thief of joy and robs us of the little things. I am glad to see you made it through to the other side.
~RoseBlack~
Leslie
Sun, 2024-06-23 09:39
Rose
Thank you I know that you can appreciate where I have been!
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
Leslie
Sun, 2024-06-23 09:39
Rose
Thank you I know that you can appreciate where I have been!
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!
Leslie
Sun, 2024-06-23 09:39
Rose
Thank you I know that you can appreciate where I have been!
Life is not tragedy although sometimes painful. Experience yields its bittersweet fruit!