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A place to rest!
Existentialism was never my thing.
Its philosophy ephemeral at best.
God, angels, the universe in protest
never seemed to pass any test.
If their presence has no meaning
if God cannot raise the dead.
Then my life, it has no purpose
it fills the heart with fear and dread.
Dissipate into oblivion.
Dying with anger, raging in my head.
Existing only as a concept.
You may as well shoot me dead!
When I die and meet the maker,
can I say I've passed a test?
Will his arms reach out to hold me
have I truly done my best?
If I continue in my knowing
will it culminate this quest?
Nothing is worth more than dying
just looking for a place to rest.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Thanks to anyone who reads this!
Editing stage:
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2024-09-10 12:22
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem presents a thoughtful exploration of existential themes, questioning the purpose of life, the existence of a higher power, and the concept of death. The use of strong, emotive language effectively conveys a sense of despair and confusion, enhancing the overall impact of the piece.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. The irregularity of the rhythm and rhyme can disrupt the flow of the poem and distract from its central themes. For example, the second stanza has a different rhyme scheme (ABCB) than the first (ABAB), which can be jarring for the reader.
Moreover, the poem seems to shift abruptly from questioning the existence of God and the universe to the speaker's personal fears and anxieties. While this shift is not inherently problematic, it could be executed more smoothly to maintain the coherence of the poem.
Lastly, the poem might also benefit from the use of more concrete imagery. While the abstract language suits the poem's themes, concrete images could make the poem more relatable and impactful for the reader. For example, the line "dying with anger, raging in my head" could be enhanced with a vivid, tangible image that illustrates this feeling of anger.
In conclusion, while the poem effectively explores complex existential themes, it could be improved by maintaining a consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme, smoothing the transition between different themes, and incorporating more concrete imagery.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Fri, 2024-09-13 20:43
A Place to Rest
Hello, Leslie,
This is a pretty deep poem. Reminds me a bit of Ecclesiastes 1:2. The poem's rhyme and rhythm are nice and tight. There are a few grammar and punctuation issues: "it's" philosophy should be "its" without apostrophe, you may want to take a look at adding periods after complete sentences, and commas to help separate thoughts within a complete sentence. But your theme is strong and clear. The last stanza is captivating. "...nothing is worth more than dying just looking for a place to rest." One of the deepest thoughts of the entire poem, but I'm wondering if "nothing would be worse than dying just looking for a place to rest" would suit the feeling throughout the rest of the poem. Dunno. This may just be my take on how the rest of the poem speaks to me.
Take care, and thank you!
L
Leslie
Sun, 2024-09-15 03:02
L
Punctuation was never my forte, maybe you can help. Thank you for reading this my situation is in distress!
Today never knows what tommorow will bring!
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-09-15 07:41
Dear Leslie,
I am Pagan so I have a whole other viewpoint of Life and Death. Life is or living to the fullest with out harming others and Loving. Death is nothing more than a portal to another place---! You always write interesting and engaging poems!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Leslie
Sun, 2024-09-15 19:42
Cat
We may not have exactly the same beliefs, but the basic tenents are the same. As with you, so I believe that life is meant as a means to express love and I also believe that death is a portal to another place. I don't know if I am going to heaven or hell, but I would inquire of you very gently what do you believe comes after our sojourn in this hellish place?
Today never knows what tommorow will bring!
Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-09-19 13:30
Leslie, my friend,
I believe that we go to a place where we can review our lives and our past deeds. after evaluation we are reincarnated. It is like karma. we advance or retard. to learn the lessons of living. advancing past human to pure energy is what is desired. I could be wrong, but that is my reality.
*hugs, Cat
(with this kind of thinking, Donald Trump will return as a pregnant unmarried black woman, with five kids on welfare in Mississippi, LOL!)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Leslie
Thu, 2024-09-19 15:37
Cat ...
Whatever your beliefs are I think that they are beautiful. LOL about Donald Trump!
Today never knows what tommorow will bring!
Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-09-19 16:32
and...
I am a witch, a candle witch. I use candles flame to focus on and send out mostly healing vibes and other good wishes!
*hugs, your friend, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Leslie
Sat, 2024-09-21 21:35
Cat
I don't care, what you believe it's all good with me. I just wonder how and why you became a witch and I really mean no disrespect.
Today never knows what tommorow will bring!