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Septembers denial!
Flying flippant, flailing
wild fouling.
My son tried out foot ball
a week or two.
I knew it went wrong
when he came home crying.
He gave up that summer
in some ways me too.
Next summer was hot
so he tried out for baseball.
He wanted to pitch,
but I had to work to do.
I saw a few games,
but again he was crying.
Trying to pitch
was a thing for a few.
Our family was beaten down
soon my boys chose new schools.
I tried to console
there was naught I could do
The fall came on rapidly
bringing the terror
Divorce in the family
would cut us right through.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
The Summer and Autumn of 2011 brought pain to our lives that we never had known. The day we divorced a 50 foot pine tree fell.Three weeks later my dog died too!
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Candlewitch
Fri, 2024-09-20 08:31
Dear Leslie,
Seems like a bad year. I hope this next one will have you rolling in clover and shamrocks!
Our family was beaten down
soon my boys chose new schools.
I tried to console
there was not I could do (I think "not" should be spelled "naught"
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Leslie
Fri, 2024-09-20 09:07
Septembers denial!
You are right! I'll have to change that! 2011 was a rough year I still don't see my kids or grandkids. Thank you for reading, I appreciate it!
Today never knows what tommorow will bring!
captain 2
Sat, 2024-09-21 00:17
Leslie
This poem expertly skirts the surface of life’s daily struggles, to hint at the iceberg of pain and chaos under the surface. The heartbreak of a child trying, of giving up, of joining activities sometimes just to cover and distract from deeper uncontrollable problems.
I shouldn’t presume such things, of course. But then, the divorce at the end – it points back and re-illuminates all that trying in a different light. The boys were trying so hard to make everything okay, in an outward expression. But it didn’t work. At least, that is the sense of it I get from reading the poem.
I especially like the lines:
He gave up that summer / in some ways me too.
You could possibly read that 2 ways: you also gave up, or: your son gave up on football and on you too.
This poem is deceptively deep and heartbreaking.
I hope it all worked out for the best, as I see this happened years ago.
Captain