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Til death...

Submitted by Kristen H. on Wed, 2024-07-10 00:23

Grief grabbed ahold of my heart
and shook it violently
until every memory of you
fell out
onto this piece of paper...

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 07/7/24 to 07/13/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-07-10 06:23

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Til death..." presents a vivid portrayal of grief, using strong and emotive language to convey the speaker's pain. The metaphor of grief shaking the heart until memories fall out is powerful and effectively communicates the overwhelming nature of loss.

However, the poem could benefit from a more varied use of language and imagery. While the metaphor of shaking is effective, the poem might be more engaging if it explored different aspects of grief or used additional metaphors to describe the speaker's feelings.

The poem's structure is also something to consider. The lines are of similar length, which creates a rhythmic quality, but varying the line lengths could add interest and help to convey the speaker's emotions more effectively.

Lastly, the poem ends abruptly with the image of memories falling onto a piece of paper. This is a strong image, but it might be more impactful if the poem explored what happens next. Does the speaker write these memories down? Do they try to put them back in their heart? Exploring these questions could add depth to the poem and make the ending more satisfying for the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Wed, 2024-07-10 08:57

Regardless...

of the A.I.s point of view, I think that I would add almost nothing to this piece. I would add just one thing to the line:
"and shook [it] violently." Leaving the thought of [what I felt was a recent] and debilitating loss, to stand alone and by itself; makes this all the more poignant. Very nicely done, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Kristen H.

Wed, 2024-07-10 09:15

Thank you...

For your comment, Geezer. Sometimes AI is helpful and encouraging, and sometimes it leaves me feeling like I didn't add enough. This time, I felt that it was enough and AI didn't agree.

I have read the poem both with and without the addition of the word "it" and I like the way it flows with the addition.

Thank you for your recommendation!

author comment

RoseBlack

Thu, 2024-07-11 00:55

Simple

Yet emotional. Grief is a terrible thief, robbing us of any other emotion other than itself, as well as our loved one. I love how the simplicity of the poem says so much. Well done. Hope your book is coming along well.

~RoseBlack~

Kristen H.

Sat, 2024-07-13 20:19

Thank you!

I appreciate your kind words, RoseBlack! And yes! My book is coming along nicely. My editor will have it finished in two days and I can look at her recommendations and edit them as needed.

author comment

Words Ablaze

Thu, 2024-07-11 05:59

Simple words but packed with

Simple words but packed with emotion, and feelings make a poem more than anything, whether fancy tools were employed or not is a trifling matter. It needs nothing else...
If only AI could feel... AI would know.

Kristen H.

Sat, 2024-07-13 20:19