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The Magic of a Love Spell...

Submitted by Geezer on Tue, 2024-08-13 09:50

In the cool light of a grey dawn,
I look to the entrance of my cave.
The shuffle of the entity holding my heart
is music to my ears.

I peep out and watch eagerly
for the magical beast,
who having yawned and stretched,
now comes into view.

Be still, my beating heart
do not attract unwanted attention,
for she is not yet had time
to consume her magic elixir,
nor think great thoughts.

I approach the throne carefully,
my foolishness is not to be displayed just yet.
I may grovel at her feet, kiss her fingertips,
and dodge the swipe of a sharp retort.

Oh, the magic of that elixir, now denied my own self.
How I miss the jangle and acceleration to the rest of the day,
I do not relax as the beast makes a move,
schussing the slope of anarchy.
Imperialistic and aloof, she summons my expertise,
"What is this?"

If I do not know, I will not admit it; I must temporize
until I have time to figure it out.
By mid-morning, the air is somewhat less troubled,
and I will regain favored status.

In the meantime, tread carefully, sir.
I remind you, idiots and fools are not well tolerated
in this day of fast communication and swift delivery.
She may still bite your head off,
if she hasn't consumed enough elixir.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 08/11/24 to 08/17/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-08-13 15:50

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "The Magic of a Love Spell," presents a vivid narrative with a consistent tone and a clear story arc. The metaphoric language and imagery used are engaging and contribute to the overall atmosphere of the piece.

The poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. While the free verse format allows for flexibility, the irregularity of the line lengths and rhythm can sometimes disrupt the flow of the poem.

The metaphor of the "beast" and the "elixir" is intriguing, but it might be beneficial to clarify these symbols slightly more. The ambiguity can be engaging, but too much can result in confusion for the reader.

The use of language is generally effective, but there are instances where the choice of words could be refined. For example, the phrase "just covering my ass" feels incongruous with the overall tone of the poem.

The poem's conclusion could be strengthened. The final stanza introduces a new character, the "traveling salesman," which might distract from the main narrative. It might be more effective to focus on the relationship between the speaker and the "beast."

Overall, the poem demonstrates a strong grasp of metaphor and narrative. With some refinement in rhythm, clarity of symbols, language use, and conclusion, it could be even more engaging.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Wed, 2024-08-14 09:28

I have...

made a few little changes, trying to clear up the "just covering my ass" and showing the "traveling salesman" the door.
I hope that I have been successful, in making these things clearer. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Alex Tanner

Tue, 2024-08-13 13:17

Hello Geezer

Very clever and very funny. Alex.

Geezer

Wed, 2024-08-14 09:30

Thank you...

I was indeed, trying to be clever and funny. Glad to have succeeded. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-08-14 09:01

Dear Geezer,

Very creative, I can see that you have had fun with the writing of this poem! My favorite lines are:

Be still, my beating heart
do not attract unwanted attention,
for she is not yet had time to consume her magic elixir,
nor think great thoughts.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Wed, 2024-08-14 09:41

I'm sure...

the story is repeated throughout the kingdom, and no matter the sexual identity of the protagonist, it rings true.
Thank you for your favorite lines, mine are,

"Approach the throne carefully,
my foolishness is not to be displayed just yet,
I may grovel at her feet, kiss her fingertips
and dodge the swipe of a sharp retort."

As always, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Obadiah Grey

Wed, 2024-08-14 12:45

Oh dear God, I'm not the only

Oh dear God, I'm not the only one then eh,

Thank f&c$ fer that !!

They are wonderful creatures though, are they not?

Great delivery, superb wit.

Obi.

Geezer

Thu, 2024-08-15 09:18

That they are...

such wonderful and totally inscrutable creatures! In retrospect, I do not regret any of the three bonding relationships I have had with such beasts. Thank you for the read and comments, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Wed, 2024-08-14 12:54