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A Visit by My Muse...

Submitted by Geezer on Sun, 2024-09-01 14:18

"Life is more than chemicals,
mixed in just the right way."
I heard her voice in my head,
as we met up yesterday.

She was in a pensive mood,
no new stories, just as yet.
She looked at me and she smiled,
but her sable eyes were wet.

I thought, "Oh, what is it now,
whatever has gone wrong?
It must be the reason, why,
she's been gone away so long."

I let her be, heard her sigh,
with a voice that was as dust,
she said the world was hurting,
said, freedom's so full of rust...

I think I know how she feels,
I may be losing my grip.
It's forever, since I've cared,
have I abandoned the ship?"

My sad face must have told her,
I was hanging by a thread,
she changed in just that moment,
like she'd heard the words unsaid.

She flashed a grin, and brightened,
a ten thousand some watt smile.
I fell for, the same old charms,
felt better than in a while.

She told of distant places,
she had been most everywhere.
I walked right along with her,
breezes blowing through our hair.

We laughed and talked about the world
Her, "It's not so awful bad,
The world still has plenty good,
being evil 's just a fad."

She stuck around for hours,
telling me just how,
the world is still alright...
I feel so much better now.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
What is Life?
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-09-01 20:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Visit by My Muse" demonstrates a strong understanding of narrative and character development. The speaker's relationship with their muse is well-developed and engaging, and the dialogue between the two characters is realistic and emotionally resonant.

However, the poem could benefit from more precise and evocative language. For example, the line "Life is more than chemicals, mixed in just the right way" is a bit vague and could be more impactful with more specific imagery or metaphor.

The poem also tends to tell rather than show. For instance, the line "I may be losing my grip" tells the reader directly about the speaker's emotional state, but it might be more effective to show this through action, dialogue, or descriptive language.

The rhythm and rhyme scheme of the poem are generally consistent, which contributes to a smooth reading experience. However, there are a few instances where the rhythm is disrupted, such as in the line "She looked at me and she smiled, but her sable eyes were wet." Adjusting the syllable count or word choice in these lines could improve the poem's flow.

Lastly, the theme of the poem - the healing power of the muse and the potential for hope in a difficult world - is a compelling one. However, it might be more effectively conveyed if the poem delved deeper into the specific ways in which the muse helps the speaker see the world in a more positive light.

Overall, the poem demonstrates a strong understanding of narrative and character development, but could be improved with more precise language, more showing rather than telling, more consistent rhythm, and a deeper exploration of its central theme.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-09-02 08:02

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I have read this piece a few times, trying to absorb it all. I hope I have not missed the point. It seems to me that (the world) and circumstance has been talking to you through your muse, and promising you certain things. (and not delivering) then asking you for another chance (with her smiles) my favorite lines are really hard to choose, but after much thought, I have picked these:

My sad face must have told her,
I was hanging by a thread,
she changed in just that moment,
like she'd heard the words unsaid.

*hugs, Cat

*
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Geezer

Mon, 2024-09-02 09:09

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you do have the point, although just a little skewed.
My muse has been away as of late. I haven't written much at all.
A few stories that I've managed to come up with on my own, but...

I was discouraged, and felt like there wasn't a lot to write about.
I was happy that my muse had returned, but when she got close,
I could see that she was downhearted, and almost as if speaking to herself, she said the opening lines.

She herself, was let down by what she had seen, but her job is to encourage me! She saw that I needed something to make me want to go on, and in fear of losing her job, [we really need each other], she put on her game face and thought about the better things that she had seen, the things that she knew would give me hope; in turn, she was encouraged, and we realized together, that there is still a lot of good in the world. Thank you for your read and comments, I hope that I have satisfied your curiosity about the theme.
~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-09-02 11:49

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How are things going for you? I had been waiting with fish (baited) breath for you to post your work. I am wondering why there are no more responses to this poem. maybe now that you have given me the scoop, there will be more comments.

Thank you for setting me on the right path, I appreciate that. Right now, I feel uninspired. Maybe because I have a dental exam and cleaning. I am a little worried about the exam... A cleaning always hurts a bit (with fibromyalgia) nothing too terrible.

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Mon, 2024-09-02 20:20

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that your appointment went well. I guess the site is quiet today because of the holiday. As soon as the membership gets back to a normal week... [maybe not this one], ha, ha. Don't forget, lots of people use this holiday to take a mini vacation of four days; end of summer and all that, you know? Anyway, glad you enjoyed the poem. Hopefully, there will be more soon. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

captain 2

Mon, 2024-09-02 22:30

I really enjoyed this one/! I was pretty sure what you were trying to say, even before the explanation, but that really made it clear!

Your muse - she told of distant places; she had been most everywhere! I think she has been visiting me! I have been writing so much for a few weeks. I can't keep up. It's strange how that works. The way you explained it is beautiful.
I hope you get her back for good! or at least while. Sometimes it feels like everywhere you look there is something profound to write about, and then sometimes everything feels like everything has been said a thousand times before. So, you found a way to write about that!

best
captain

Geezer

Tue, 2024-09-03 09:25

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for your read and comments. You have hit it directly on the head. My muse stops by and drops off a bunch of tales,
[I write down little notes] and save them for when I write. Then while I am busy writing and thinking about what she has brought me, she slips off to gather more! Sometimes, we collaborate on things from the past, things that we remember from our shared existence. My East Main St. series are mostly based on those. Thank you for sharing your pleasure in reading my work. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

captain 2

Wed, 2024-09-04 16:58

I love that! she sleeps off to gather more! I will check out your East Main St series. Can't wait to read more of your work!
Captain

Geezer

Wed, 2024-09-04 22:20

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for your read and comments, I hope you enjoy the East Main St. series, and any of my works. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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