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Bush Dawn
We sit holding hands
in the quiet of the morn
this love in our hearts
glowing clear as the dawn
Dreaming of the homeland
so deep within our souls
the river cool and mighty
and the source from whence she rolls
The birds rejoice their freedom
the hills echo in reply
we meld ourselves as one with them
as they soar into the sky
Wildflowers adorn the hillsides
forming rainbow coloured crowns
lush grasses conceal the creatures
of which our land abounds
Babbling streams o'er rocky walls
are singing, sweet and clear
these children of the river
have a message we can hear
To sink our roots into this earth
cherishing each and every day
striving always to be close to her
while nature guides the way
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
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Comments
scribbler
Tue, 2015-10-06 10:39
Hi Joan
Very descriptive of both land and emotions.Second stanza last line. Try using whence instead of where and see if you like it better......stan PS welcome to Neopoet and I hope you enjoy yourself here. I came here about 6-7 years ago after a near 40 year hiatus from writing so I guess we share that at least lol
Joan Rolls
Tue, 2015-10-06 16:36
Thanks scribbler. Took your
Thanks scribbler. Took your advice I do like whence better
Joan
raj
Tue, 2015-10-06 14:22
Dawn is never bright but has
Dawn is never bright but has somewhat diffused sunlight...if you agree you may want to change it...
It appears that this poem is inspired by connecting with the natural elements around expressed wonderfully...however i am not able to perceive what made you dream of homeland..may be I missed some point somewhere..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Joan Rolls
Tue, 2015-10-06 16:43
Thanks raj. Thats true so ive
Thanks raj. Thats true so ive changed it to clear.i originally had light but that didnt seem right either! My reference to homeland is the deep desire we have to connect to our spiritual homeland as well as our connection to nature and country. Joan
raj
Wed, 2015-10-07 14:13
Reads better Joan and means a
Reads better Joan and means a lot more too based on your insights about what you meant by Homeland...thanks for bringing more clarity...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
ThEdges
Wed, 2015-10-07 10:57
Bush Dawn
Hi Joan,
Wow, I love this piece! The visual images are really awesome, and the whole poem makes me want to look for a beautiful meadow to go and relax in! And, needless to say, this would make a fantastic "Earth Day" poem! Excellent!
alidzain
Fri, 2015-10-09 03:30
Joan
In stanza 2, I couldn't see the rhyming words. ''souls'' doesn't rhymes with''flows''.
Alid
Joan Rolls
Thu, 2015-10-08 18:06
Thanks for your comment. I
Thanks for your comment. I guess it doesn't really rhyme. but for want of a better word It'll have to suffice for now lol!
Joan
judyanne
Sun, 2015-10-18 01:44
hi Joan, nice to meet you
'and the source from whence she unfolds' might work....
Good luck in the contest
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
alidzain
Sun, 2015-10-18 01:52
Hiya Judy!
long time since I 've last met you here. That's a good suggestion.
Alid
Joan Rolls
Sun, 2015-10-18 23:11
Hi Judy, thanks for your
Hi Judy, thanks for your comments and suggestion. Thought of another possibility, what do you think?
Joan
Geremia
Sat, 2015-10-24 12:23
pleasantly bucolic. You paint
pleasantly bucolic. You paint pictures with your words.
joe
wesley snow
Sat, 2015-10-24 16:59
I think this line is too long to match the rest of the stanza.
"The streams babbling over rocky walls"
Otherwise, I think the poem is gorgeous. Just gorgeous.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Joan Rolls
Sat, 2015-10-24 18:00
Thanks wesley. Ill look into
Thanks wesley. Ill look into it! Joan
Joan Rolls
Sat, 2015-10-24 18:03
How about 'babbling streams
How about 'babbling streams over rocky walls'?
wesley snow
Sat, 2015-10-24 22:06
How about a contraction?
babbling streams o'er rocky walls?
It's a little medieval. It also shortens the line by a syllable.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Joan Rolls
Sun, 2015-10-25 00:28
Yes nice. I like it thanks.
Yes nice. I like it thanks.
Sparrow
Tue, 2016-01-19 04:24
Joan
A lovely gentle flowing piece, the spirit awaits to be awakened to all things around, even the hard rocks are twirling magic.
Good write will look for others from you, Yours Ian..
.
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Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Joan Rolls
Tue, 2016-01-19 06:00
Thankyou for your lovely
Thankyou for your lovely comments. I agree there is magic in all things natural.