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A better place to be
Today I enjoyed my mind,
it might not seem a big ask,
I’ve been doing it most of my life,
Often wondering
if it was as much fun in other people’s heads
as it was in mine.
A dangerous neighbourhood at night,
but which of the best places aren’t?
Today I enjoyed my mind,
it hasn’t happened much lately
but today is today
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
ta for Juduanne for the ending
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
scribbler
Fri, 2012-12-21 11:31
Hi Jess
I'll keep coming back to this until I can give a reasonable ending.................stan
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-12-21 12:03
Hint: there ian't one
One good day is enough to live for.
Anything anyone could say would be Hallmark bullshit about the future.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2012-12-21 13:24
Is too
never underestimate the power of the scribbler lol............I'll come up with one if it fries my brain
judyanne
Fri, 2012-12-21 12:01
but today was today
is a great ending
- imo of course
i would suggest you break that one long line up a little - maybe
'Often wondering
if it was as much fun in other people’s heads
as it was in mine'
lol
i really like
'A dangerous neighbourhood at night'
one's own mind
it's a good place to be at peace in isn't it
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-12-21 17:12
thanks Judyanne
that was the right ending.
You are great.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Fri, 2012-12-21 13:25
Jess
"As the mind once again took control" would be an apt ending for this piece but it needs a lot of work.
The theme running through is held there, but seemingly behind bars of self mistrust, dare I say any more, Yours as always Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-12-21 15:42
No, friend
let's just say I had a good day and they are so rare I wanted to celebrate a bit.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Fri, 2012-12-21 16:43
Jess
There are more good days to come just wait and be patient, why do you young ones want everything in one go, lol
I think I forgot to say I liked the frankness of your write it seemed quite natural, Take care young man and know we think of you, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-12-21 16:47
To me the best poetry is simple truth
oh, that does not mean that poetic technique can't enhance simple truth. Sometimes plain words are best.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Geremia
Fri, 2012-12-21 15:26
Well done ! I enjoyed the
Well done ! I enjoyed the natural, easy cadence,
joe
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-12-21 15:40
thanks Joe,
that is an nice compliment. Although you know I have studied many forms of poetry, I believe a natural (sounding) cadence works best. After all, what are we trying to do? Talk to people.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Fri, 2012-12-21 22:41
Please to leave the ending alone.
As a whole, it put to words that which is hard to understand. But I do.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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weirdelf
Fri, 2012-12-21 23:43
Wow! I am flattered.
I wrote something in almost non-verse that you seem to appreciate.
Where we are so different, and so important to each other , is that if I could say a poem in one word I would. Yet I understand that you could say a lot more in epoesy (is that the word?). And I would like to learn that too.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
wesley snow
Sun, 2012-12-23 14:02
It's "epopee" and
I count you among my mentors.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Sun, 2012-12-23 18:49
Hi
Told you I'd return lol. I see you deleted last line so my suggested change os moot. But since I went to the trouble of thinking up a non-cliche I figured I'd pass it along :
"however rare". So trash or use as you see fit..................stan
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-12-29 02:52
too
true
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Frenchf
Sat, 2013-01-05 16:31
Fantastic
But only the first 8 lines. The last 2 lines did not add anything for me
Esker
Sat, 2013-01-05 17:04
alteration
Today IS today
for me
the but for me causes a doubt
in which the above of body is much strength
today is today for me is like Tiderah! giving of the finger
in leaving...for Male or Female heroinne hero bad ass or villian
other then that I like the poetry of late from you!!!
Thank You//
Frenchf
Sun, 2013-01-06 00:58
Agree
End line as line nine -"today is today"
So beautiful the whole xxx
Seren
Sun, 2013-01-06 04:03
Jess
I am late coming to this
I can't find anything I would change
Love the ending
Adore the poem as a whole
Cheers Jc xxx hugs
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats