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Another Day

Submitted by Depressed 1 on Fri, 2023-06-23 00:35

I fell, and broke my heart

Knew it would break from the start

Saw it in your eyes, heard it in your voice

Knew it would happen but had no choice

It is not real love when one goes away

The other has pain that will always stay

Like a thousand needles falling like rain

Inside you, there resides an enduring pain

My heart aches a pain that it never knew

I will lay in bed another day without you

Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-06-23 06:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Thank you for sharing your poem "Another Day". It is a poignant and emotional piece that effectively conveys the pain of heartbreak. The repetition of "knew it" in the second line emphasizes the speaker's sense of inevitability and powerlessness in the situation. The metaphor of "a thousand needles falling like rain" is a powerful image that vividly captures the physical and emotional pain of heartbreak.

One suggestion for improvement would be to consider varying the rhyme scheme and meter throughout the poem. Currently, the poem follows a consistent ABAB rhyme scheme and a mostly iambic meter. Experimenting with different rhyme schemes and meters could add more musicality and depth to the poem.

Overall, "Another Day" effectively conveys the pain of heartbreak and could benefit from some experimentation with form. Thank you for sharing your work.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Fri, 2023-06-23 10:25

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the basics of this poem, I think that you have gotten it right. You have managed to bring me in with your title, no matter that it is plain. I know your work and your theme, so I was interested in what another day is like for you. I happened to be listening to Prince and the song Purple Rain when I started reading this. Many of your lines seemed to coincide with his in the song. I do think that you might have elaborated in many places with this piece. I feel that you may write such short lines to get the emotion out before you overthink it. I understand. I do it sometimes. This is brought to mind by the long intro to the song. I listened to the whole thing over again, just to get the feel of it. I think if you had been listening to this song, you may have felt more like you had a connection and let your imagination run free. I agree with the AI, that you could try to experiment with some different forms and such. I would be very interested in seeing what you can accomplish. ~ Geez.
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