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The Couple

Submitted by Mary Beth Magee on Fri, 2024-05-03 20:27

The Couple
They sit together in the amber glow of a heavenly Mississippi sunset,
Gray heads moving back in forth in unison.
Sixty plus years of rocking have worn subtle grooves in the wood of the old porch.
Gnarled hands touch in the gap between the white-painted oak rockers,
Barely clasping as stiffened finger joints protest.
She smiles at him, her eyelids downcast, the shy smile of old.
He winks a rheumy eye in response, as he did when first they met.
Hearts communicating, they stop rocking and lean to a kiss,
Hidden from view by the magnolia tree he planted as a sapling on their wedding day.
He settles back in his rocker with a smile and a sigh.
A heartbeat later, his eyes close and chin sinks to his flannel shirt.
As she looks to him, she knows the kiss was “goodbye.”
Her hands tremble as she lifts his fallen hand to her lips, then to his lap.
Crossing her hands on the faded apron, she whispers a prayer, silently answered.

They sit together in the amber glow of the fading heavenly Mississippi sunset,
But walk together toward the glow of His throne in heaven.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 2
Contest: 
05/24 Romance
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-05-04 02:30

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The Couple" effectively uses vivid imagery and emotive language to convey a poignant and tender narrative. The use of specific details such as "the amber glow of a heavenly Mississippi sunset," "white-painted oak rockers," and "gnarled hands" creates a strong sense of place and character, immersing the reader in the scene.

However, the poem could benefit from a more careful use of rhythm and meter. The lines vary considerably in length, which can disrupt the flow of the poem and distract from the narrative. Consistency in line length or a more deliberate use of varied line lengths could enhance the poem's rhythm and overall impact.

The poem also relies heavily on telling rather than showing in certain parts. For example, the line "Her hands tremble as she lifts his fallen hand to her lips, then to his lap" tells the reader directly about the character's emotions. Instead, consider using more subtle, indirect ways to convey these emotions. This could involve focusing on sensory details or actions that reflect the character's emotional state.

The final line of the poem, "But walk together toward the glow of His throne in heaven," introduces a religious element that wasn't present in the rest of the poem. If this is a key theme, consider incorporating it more consistently throughout the poem to ensure it doesn't feel abrupt or out of place in the conclusion.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more careful use of punctuation. For instance, the line "Hearts communicating, they stop rocking and lean to a kiss," could be restructured to "Hearts communicating; they stop rocking and lean to a kiss," to emphasize the pause and the shift in action.

Overall, the poem effectively conveys a touching narrative and creates a vivid, immersive scene. With some adjustments to rhythm, show vs. tell, thematic consistency, and punctuation, it could be further enhanced.

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