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Far From Home
The lights of the parking lot shine into the room,
As glaring at midnight as if it were noon.
Feels like I’m center stage in a reality show,
Everyone watching and I just don’t know
What my next line should be.
The curtains don’t close ’cause there’s no track to ride,
And they’d hang over the A/C if I tried.
No electrical juice in the wall outlets there.
My devices need feeding or I wouldn’t care.
And a lamp would be nice, though, to see.
Every car on the highway which runs right outside
Sounds like it’s had a tuneup denied
As they rumble and grumble along their way.
I’m trying to sleep, to rest up for a day
Of busy responsibility.
But the only hotel in this overbooked town
Is remodeling, so sorry if I’m feeling down.
I’m far from home and I need some rest.
If I hope to pass tomorrow’s big test.
And immediately after, I’ll flee.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
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I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2024-05-05 23:21
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses vivid imagery and a consistent rhyme scheme to convey the speaker's discomfort and unease in an unfamiliar environment. The use of everyday objects and situations, such as the lights of a parking lot, the noise from a highway, and the lack of functional wall outlets, grounds the poem in reality and makes the speaker's experience relatable to many readers.
However, the poem could benefit from a more varied use of poetic devices. While the consistent end rhyme scheme contributes to the poem's rhythm, incorporating other forms of rhyme or sound play, such as internal rhyme or alliteration, could add depth and complexity to the poem's sound.
The poem's theme of discomfort in unfamiliar surroundings is clear, but the speaker's emotional response to this discomfort could be further developed. The speaker mentions feeling like they're on a reality show and needing to pass a big test, but these metaphors could be expanded upon to provide a deeper insight into the speaker's state of mind.
Lastly, the poem's structure is somewhat inconsistent. While most of the poem is written in quatrains, the second and last stanzas have five lines. This inconsistency could be intentional, but if not, revising the poem to have a more uniform structure might improve its overall flow and readability.
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Geezer
Mon, 2024-05-06 11:36
I think I see...
where this poem is going and how it is trying to get there.
You are using the fifth line to tie them all together.
Take your longest line, cut it to the minimum beat, without destroying the idea.
Your fifth lines should all be of equal length, and separated by at least one space from the quatrain.
Rearrange the words as you try to condense your line, make it make sense.
The extreme weariness of this piece comes through most readily.
I just know that they are going to flee the urban environment asap.
Good portrayal of a world weary person. ~ Geez.
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Mary Beth Magee
Tue, 2024-05-07 08:36
Thanks, Geezer,
I appreciate the feedback. This poem get out of a frustrating trip last month and was a bit of venting along with the rhyming. The good news is, the staff of the hotel was amazing! They kept it from being a total disaster.
I'll play with it some more and incorporate your insights. Thanks again!
Thank you,
Mary Beth
Because your words have touched my heart,
I stopped to share a little part.
Be nice, supportive, kind to all
As we walk through this Poetry Hall.
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