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Pieces

Submitted by Mary Beth Magee on Thu, 2024-05-23 14:34

You’ve left pieces of your heart around the planet.
Did you know at the start this life would demand it?
Your heart set your course to protect, to defend.
You joined an armed force. They give orders and send
You to places so far from all those you hold dear.
But you do it, because when the need is so clear,
You must go and respond, you must meet duty's call.
So you leave those you love and you stand up tall.
Like a flag, your heart's banner waves all unfurled
O'er the pieces of you left around the whole world.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 2
Contest: 
05/24 Ode To A Service Hero
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-05-23 20:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem's theme of sacrifice and duty is well conveyed through the narrative of a soldier leaving pieces of their heart around the world. The use of rhyming couplets and a consistent meter adds a rhythmic quality to the poem, which aids in its overall readability and flow.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The line "But you do it, because when the need is so clear" is grammatically ambiguous and disrupts the flow of the poem. Consider revising this line to clarify its meaning and maintain the poem's rhythm.

Additionally, the metaphor of the heart as a flag in the last two lines, while visually striking, could be developed further for greater emotional impact. The poem could benefit from exploring this metaphor in more depth, perhaps by drawing parallels between the heart's resilience and the enduring symbol of a flag.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. While the concept of leaving pieces of one's heart around the world is evocative, the poem might have a stronger impact if it included more detailed descriptions of the places or people the subject is leaving behind. This would help to ground the poem's abstract concepts in tangible reality, making the emotional stakes more immediate for the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

tyro

Fri, 2024-05-24 07:39

I enjoyed your poem. the story is quite clear, and straight forward, so I am pulled to consider the construction of the poem, especially of the two main poetic devices, line length, and rhyme. the rhymes and near rhymes came off very good. I especially liked the surprising: (planet/ demand it) the line length is basically 12 beats, so I wonder a bit about the deviations of 10 and 11 beats.

Tyro

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Mary Beth Magee

Sat, 2024-05-25 13:19

Mary Beth Magee's picture

It is a work in progress, for certain. The beat differences you mentioned are definitely part of the fine-tuning I’m working on. I appreciate your feedback.

Thank you,
Mary Beth

Because your words have touched my heart,
I stopped to share a little part.
Be nice, supportive, kind to all
As we walk through this Poetry Hall.

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